Posts Tagged ‘Pain’

Protection: Physical Pain in the Place of Spiritual Infestation

May 30, 2012

I am often told that I am protected by many spirits, beings and layers of energy at all times. I think this is true because I feel them there at this point in my life and looking back I can see the ways in which I have been favored and cared for. In the past I had great difficulty accepting the idea that I had this kind of protection in my life for several reasons, the most prominent among them being that I have been in physical pain for much of my life. Other reasons include my sensitivity to various physicalities, such as light, chemicals, sound, crowds, other peoples emotions, etc., but the pain has been the most irreconcilable for me. How could I be so protected and loved if I have been subjected to such pain?

The answers to this question has become clearer to me recently. I say answers intentionally because there is no one answer that explains or covers every situation that I am trying to address. I will talk about several of those answers, but never all.

I experience physical pain and discomfort in place of the influence and infestation of negative beings and forces. Some of these beings and forces are internally present because of my spiritual and family history. They are inherited as a debt that must be ended. Some of these beings and forces I will encounter externally in my daily life and spiritual journey.

The negative beings and influences that manifest from spiritual and family karma or debt are very insidious on Earth because humans lose their memories while they are here. If a human can even realize they are being hurt or manipulated by something that is not part of them there is still the hurtle of finding the internal hook, or history that allows these beings and forces to attach to the human being.

Before entering my current life, I think I chose that instead of directly experiencing the control, manipulation and psychic invasion of negative forces, I would experience them as physical pain. This pain would allow me to know that something was wrong, but would also protect me from being possessed, controlled or damaged. I do not think that I can be without pain and still clearly perceive what I need to be doing at this stage in my development. The volume on that signal cannot yet be adjusted. If it was silenced I could not access the negative realms that must be healed within me and my family.

This realization has the strange consequence of making me thankful that I only experience the physical pain. I have learned that physical pain is so transitory. The kind of emotional and mental suffering that these negative forces create is unimaginably more destructive, both for the individual who experiences them and for those closest to that person.

I Have a Current

November 12, 2011

When I was fourteen I got a headache and it never went away.

It started when I was thirteen. I would get it periodically. I could say it was I was having more stress about my education and what I wanted to do with my life, but I could never really make any correlation between the headache and what was happening that minute, day or week. I changed a lot that year. I started losing the excess physical weight I had carried around since I was six, when the spiritual weight of the world had descended onto my shoulders. By fourteen I was dangerously thin. I started running in earnest. My personality changed.

I remember with crystal clarity the last day that I didn’t have that pain in my head. It was late fall. I had just woken up and realized the pain was gone. Nothing else hurt either. I had a moment of real joy. That was the last day. I learned to live with the pain. It became irrelevant because it had no relation to my life or choices. There was nothing I could do to abate it or make it stop. We saw many doctors, but eventually I stopped talking about it to the point my parents forgot it was there.

It was a strange headache. A dull, static-like, cloud-like pain that drifted over the surface of my head, never resting too long or waiting too long to return. It felt like warm, colorless smoke trying to push its way into my head.

I mix the present and the past tense because it serves my purpose. The headache never went away, but I don’t feel it as I used to. All I feel now is energy. Intense and difficult and transforming. The plates of my skull move, bunching and shifting and opening. The feelings extend out beyond my physical body. It doesn’t hurt if I keep my heart open. So I lied. I don’t have a headache all the time anymore. I have a current that flows through me, always.

Different Kinds of Change

January 7, 2011

In the space of 24 hours I have been exposed to both of these stories. Their similarities are striking, as well as their differences. Please do not simplify. I do not advocate or admonish, but reading these words so close together has had an impact upon me and I feel the need to transmit that in some form.

These are the words of Mark Flaherty. He dealt with suicidal pain and emptiness through ayahuasca and a spiritual tranformation:

These are the words of Bill Zeller. He could not deal with the horrible pain that he had been subjected to and recently committed suicide:

How I Write

June 12, 2010

Originally I tried to plan what I would write about in logical order. That didn’t work.

I know when I need to write and I know what I need to write. I know it because it wells up from within me or is shown to me by forces beyond myself. Only a few of the writings on this blog come purely from my personality or thoughts moment to moment.

I took down one of my recent posts. I did that because the post came from a different place inside of me. It came from a deep pain, anger and helplessness that I experience because of the form that human society on Earth has taken for the past little while.

I don’t know how to fix the world. I hope that what I’m doing helps, but I don’t know if it will change things.

To the Universe I beg, let me do no harm through my words or actions.

(Dis)Ingenuous Patterns

May 7, 2010

On a fairly regular basis I am taken to the psychological and physical limits of my endurance. This is part of a repeating pattern that exists largely outside any story about myself that I have been given. The pattern is cyclical, composed of distinct phases and occurs roughly several times a month. For the purposes of this description I will call these phases Base-line N, Decent, Negative Peak, Ascent, Positive Peak and Base-line N+1.

Base-line N (N = the unknown number of previous cycles) represents my unperturbed psychophysical energetic state at the beginning of the cycle. Decent is initiated by a disproportionately negative psychophysical energetic reaction to some superficial stimulus. Sometimes the stimulus is explicit, sometimes it is difficult to identify if there even was a stimulus. This has lead me to suspect that the stimulus is, if anything, a convenience for initiating the cycle, or a cover for the real causation. Examples of explicit stimuli include: intractable moral questions, confrontation with fundamentalist beliefs, social awkwardness, embarrassment, bad dreams, etc. etc. Decent is usually the longest phase, taking at least several hours and sometimes as much as several days. During this time I will be repeatedly confronted on every level by the negative reaction that the stimulus supposedly created. If there did not appear to be a stimulus, this process is much the same except that it lacks an external manifestation to justify the internal reaction. The internal reality of the event is nearly identical
however. The end result of this continuous onslaught is a gradual degradation of my wellbeing, psychological defenses and physical reserves of energy. An identifying quality of these cycles is that attempts to interrupt the cycle at this point will uniformly fail. No rational argument, emotional insight, physical action will end the decent process. Energy medicine techniques have been able to temporarily interrupt the process with a great expenditure of time and effort, but even these techniques only seem to be addressing the superficial means that create the cycle. As one means of creating it is removed another is moved into position. I will often become intensely aware of a non-physical presence that I feel is causing me to experience these negative feelings. Torturing me. Ultimately the decent phase will continue until I have been to my psychological and/or physical limits. My defenses have been stripped and I have nothing more with which to resist the process. Needless to say, this is extremely painful. This is Negative Peak.

Negative Peak is brief, usually lasting no more than an hour. This phase represents the state in which I no longer have any defense against what is happening. I have been taken to some psychological limit and pushed slightly past it. I am just suffering. Intense suffering. Usually the final thought of negative peak is a genuine emotional realization that “I don’t want to be alive with this anymore.” This is usually when it, whatever it is, lets go. This is Ascent.

Ascent is characterized by a feeling of RELEASE. The psychological and physical pain begin to slowly diminish, but it is immediately clear that whatever force was holding me has withdrawn completely. Ascent is even shorter than Negative Peak, usually only lasting a half hour. The pain will continue to diminish and a sense of well being with begin to return. At the same time a subtle feeling will begin to manifest. This feeling will convey the necessity of the process I just went through and that a great weight has been lifted from me because of it. These feeling will continue to strengthen until I reach Positive Peak.

Positive Peak is the shortest phase, usually only lasting five to ten minutes. It is the phase in which the reason for the cycle is “revealed.” I am shown how I held a negative pattern or energy so deeply within me that I would never consciously choose to go that deep in order to remove it, and that if I was aware of the process that was removing it I would inhibit the process. I am also shown the new plateau of clarity I have reached because of the process. This is usually a euphoric and transcendent experience, especially considering the pain that I have just been through. After the euphoria fades I enter Base-line N+1, my new baseline psychophysical energetic state after the cycle has been completed, though it will take some time for me to fully adjust to it.

I do not know what the truth of this experience is. The feelings I have described really occur, but I do not know if they represent a greater reality. I am doubtful of any system that requires such suffer to traverse it, but I can say that my abilities do seem to grow naturally over time and particularly after events like these cycles. I have asked my guides many times about this cycle, but I do not receive an satisfactory answers. To be very clear, I have generalized greatly. There are many experiences very much like this one that differ in small, but significant ways. The identifying qualities of this experience are the phases, the feeling of a distinct entity or being causing the cycle, and the trickster aspect of hiding the causation under a superficial stimulus.