Earlier this year, around the time I was reading Mac Tonnies’ The Cryptoterrestrials, I spent two, dreary, overcast days and dark, cold nights terrified out of my mind that I was going to be taken by reptilians.
My mother and I had just done some very disturbing work on things that supposedly happened when I was a child, and my fear was completely beyond rational control. I didn’t sleep at all and it was difficult to bring myself to eat. I was consumed by that fear.
Eventually, on the morning of the third day, I came to a singular moment. I realized within that moment, on some deep, trans-rational level, that I would rather not exist than be this terrified, but that I really truly do want to exist. CLICK (as Robert Munroe would put it)
Almost without thinking I got up, went to my computer and started watching funny videos. I was completely exhausted, but I wasn’t afraid anymore. Something had just changed inside of me. I could no longer be that afraid of the possibility of what might have happened, or what may happen now. I had to be taken right to the edge in order to see that.
I still have many deep fears, ones that I can’t overcome by suppressing, denying or hiding, but I hope that I can decide to let them go when they come to me, with a little help. There are really terrible things in this world, and beyond it to, but I am asked to be more than my reaction to that fact. I am asked to be a light, and I will try.