Posts Tagged ‘Dreams’

Scenario Lesson: You don’t allow people you love to be hurt, even when they hurt you

August 11, 2012

I awoke from a dream just a little while ago and I want to record it.

My dreams have become more significant over the last couple of years. Only intermittently though. They are teaching dreams.

In this one I had been part of an unfolding dream logic narrative, the bulk of which I cannot hold onto. It culminated in my capture by a group of beings similar to myself who wished me harm. A woman I cared for deeply, but only know in the dream had betrayed me to them. I could tell that she had been hurt into doing this since long before I had ever known her and that this group of beings valued her even less than they valued each other.

The central figure of this group of beings began trying to convince me to me to let them torture her to death. He said that if I just said that they could kill her then things would be so much easier for me. Part of the scenario was that death was different in this reality. Not so much physical as experiential. she would experience being killed many times, but could always be brought back again.

In the dream she was a strong, tall woman, wearing light armor of some kind. She had Auburn hair cut even neck length around her head and arranged so it fell to the sides of her face like an arch. She had a milky, smooth stone over her sixth chakra, or third eye.

My captor looked like a wizened and older version of a character named Thanos from the marvel comic book universe. Looking closely he appeared to be made of thick gray strands. His image would shift back forth between being a humanoid figure and small tiki-like doll in my hand.

In this kind of teaching dream it is very difficult to think. If you could think normally you could fall back on your logical rigidity and morality of inertia. These two qualities are not what is being tested and developed. The words that come to mind from my guides are “we are interested in the mutability of the psychic greenwood.” the psychic greenwood, is the experience that you carry with you without, or beyond memory. It is the set of experiences that fundamentally change who you are as much as changing your genetic code would. This is how I have been given to understand that souls who travel between lives and worlds of lost memory still learn and grow. In the dream state you have to build up a level of pre-conscious understanding of the situations that you encounter to react to them with anything more than primal biological or psycho-social responses. In this case I know I have been run through this scenario many, many times. I remember looking at my captor and the one I loved who betrayed me. In looking closely and paying attention I could feel something through the haze of my thoughts. I could feel that there was a key, an answer to this situation that belied the choices that my captor had given me. This is another through line of my training, both waking an dreaming. There are keys to every scenario and you can find them by relaxing your grip on their presentation. If you hold onto how a scenario has been presented to you, instead of what you truly see and feel, then you are trapped by the limitations that have been placed on reality by the description and presentation. If you want to free yourself you must let go and make a trans-rational leap from reacting to the scenario as it seems, to finding, embellishing and projecting the reality of knowing that already exists within you.

I looked at my love who betrayed me, then at my captor. I felt the knowing in my chest. I felt that I had been here before and that, even though she had betrayed me, and I was made tired, wanting nothing more than to be left to sleep, not be tortured by these beings, I knew that would bring me nothing, an annihilation of self. I felt the path in my chest, I felt that I had been here before, I felt the way out and I reached for it. I looked into my captor’s face, wizened and gnarled, I let go and I saw. “You have never loved anyone.” I said. “You are incapable of love. Aren’t you?” The way that I seemed to say the words held within it the knowing that having seen and felt the truth within myself, which includes my love for the one who betrayed me, I, and no being that had ever felt what I felt, could let harm come to her in my place, no matter what she had been hurt into doing against me. My captors face began to unravel and twist and I could feel my bonds and the edges of the dream falling away. I shouted liked an excited child “I remembered the lesson. I remembered the lesson!” As if it had taken me ages to get this far. In waking reality I would have been quietly thankful that there would be death and pain for no one that day, but that is a choice that I make based on my capacity to make it, a capacity which is withdrawn or hobbled in the dream state. My soul truth was and is that I am so excited and proud to have completed that lesson and deep learned the key.

I have mixed feelings about that feeling of excitement. Stopping another from being tortured in your place isn’t a logical moral problem for me. It’s wrong to let other be hurt in your place, but my guides don’t care about what I know and can do when I have my mind and logic and faculties to help me hold my form. My guides care about the greenwood of the soul. They care about who I am in the living moment, beyond polemics of morality. If I am someone who wants in my heart to let others be hurt so I can rest, then I cannot be a healer. If I am someone who reaches beyond the presentations of evil and takes hold of life without thought, then I can be a healer. This isn’t a black and white distinction. Children often do terrible things because they have not grown enough to know what the results of their actions would be. We forgive children this because we know that they will grow and become something else. So will each of us, though we must be held to a higher standard.

This is one scenario among endless and limitless.


Stepping Out of the Way

April 20, 2010

One of the harder things I am asked to do is to step out of the way. By this I mean to get my conscious mind and ego out of the way of the Music and the other beings and forces that are trying to help me. I’ve practiced a similar technique for many years as part of my shamanic and healing work, where it is essential to accurately hear non-physical beings and sense the condition of those you are working with. In that state you are clear and open, but keenly aware, directing your openness to your guides and those you are working with. However, there is a more pervasive and complete variety of this state, one which I have often experienced in my life and am experiencing again now with a much greater intensity. This is a completely unfocused state in which large amounts of information and energy can be imparted without the filter of my conscious mind. I only become aware of the content of this information and energy much later when it rises into conscious awareness, manifesting as inner knowing, knew kinds of energy medicine and perception, or occasionally as things I say or do that didn’t previously exist in my awareness before hand.

The hard part of this process is remaining in the unfocused state which allows access beyond conscious awareness, or I should say, remaining in the unfocused state for the long periods of time that are asked of me. Concurrently, entering and leaving this state of consciousness is not like flipping a switch. Remaining unfocused for long periods of time will have cumulative impact on my consciousness, meaning that it will take an amount of time and rest for me to return to the state in which I am best able to deal with physical life. Being unaware of the content that is being transfered also makes it psychologically more difficult to justify the time invested over the short term, particularly when it is more advantageous and effective to distract the surface consciousness than to have it engage in a meditative state where it might interfere with the transfer. The subjective experience is of being spacey, unfocused, possibly having a headache (depending on the intensity of the information and energy and your ability to absorb it) and needing to be distracted. The differentiating factor between this state and merely having those subjective symptoms, at least for me, is that when I do momentarily focus on what I am receiving, tears often come to my eyes, as if I have just experienced something of great intensity, and yet I have no outer or inner form to ascribe to it. I cannot focus on it for more than moment and trying to do so would be actively detrimental to me and the signal.

I am not unique in having this variety of experience. Many others describe receiving downloads, though the subjective experience and symptoms are different for each person and change over time. The most common mode of download I have read about in others is through their dreams or while they are sleeping. I do not experience this, I suspect because that avenue is blocked for me at the moment, another result being my sense of extreme unreality and entrapment in my dreams. One factor that is more limited to me is that the open and unfocused state will often further the physical adjustments that I am experiencing, though there are actually several different states of consciousness in which different kinds of physical work take place.

Awake in the Dream

February 17, 2010

I woke up in a dream again. I was standing in my bedroom where my body was sleeping. It had been going on for sometime. People I know and don’t know would come and say and do emotionally hurtful things to me, but I realized that I was dreaming and they were just images. Knowing this I tried to take the images apart and make them disappear. Aside from very simulated looking alien guts, what remained were small fuzzy clouds of darkness that didn’t look like they belonged in the reality of the dream. I could just see two of them on the upper edge of my vision, but not in direct sight. I knew they were small entities that were trying to goad and hurt me and that if I made a sound that the music had taught me they would be driven away. I opened my mouth wide, as I would in waking life, and tried to make the sound. Nothing would come out. I tried again. Nothing. I tried a third time. Nothing.

I tried to wake myself up at this point. I was very lucid and aware of my actions and was surprised I had not already woken up. I slapped myself in the face. Repeatedly. I could feel the sting on my lips, but I didn’t return the physical world. I was trying desperately to get out and the dream was starting to run and deform in the process. I felt like my consensual reality was dissolving, which isn’t very strange because my dreams are almost always extremely protean, as if the physical reality I am presented with is a conceit that is barely being held in place, but this was somehow different, as if my mind was running and warping with my surroundings. Over the last several years when I go lucid in a dream it is very different than the usual playful experience that most people report. When I go lucid I realize that I am in a dream and reactively try to return to my energetic perception of reality. At that point the dream world usually dissolves into a two dimensional swirl of color at the bottom or side of my vision, almost like a screen I was being forced to stare at. When I try to leave the dream there has always been a force violently trying to push me back into it, to make me look at the screen. In the dream that I am describing to you now I couldn’t get out at all. I was trapped. This is why I think I started to feel that I was going mad. I needed to leave that reality, but I couldn’t.

Somehow I realized that if I found a real human being and asked them to wake me up it might happen. I ran out of my room and down the stairs of my dream house. I felt like I might lose my mind at any moment. I found someone I knew in real life sitting in my kitchen. It was the real representation of that person, not just an image. I started screaming at him to wake up over and over again. Reality skipped and I saw some one I’ve never met, then I woke up.

My heart wasn’t pounding and I didn’t feel like I had just been through an emotional ordeal. Aside from my memory and the intellectual knowledge of what I had just been through, it felt like I might just forget the dream as most are forgotten after waking. I immediately found the person I had asked to wake me up in the dream and told him what happened, both to help me remember and to help restore some harmony between my intellectual and my emotional/physical perception of reality. Edit: Later, after I wrote this post, I started to behave like someone coming out of a high stress situation, e.i., lack of coordination, nervousness, but still little to no emotional affect.

In hindsight, I am disturbed, but also pleased with my reactions after going lucid. I am disturbed because I remember being as lucid as I am now, but unable to wake myself, something that hasn’t happened in a long time, and because I couldn’t even begin to escape the dream reality. It warped and bent, but I couldn’t get out. I am pleased because I recognized the entities in my dream and attempted to do something that would probably have driven them off and remove me from the dream environment. That I wasn’t able to use the sounds that the music has given me in the dream is another reason I’m disturbed.

I have the impression that something is not happy that I chose to write this down. I could feel something poking at the back of my head and blanking my memories the moment I decided to do this and started writing. I wish I could write down everything that happened, all the ways that I tried to wake myself even before going fully lucid and… There is something. One of the entity images entered by stepping through the outer wall of my room. It was like I could see a hall that immediately closed behind it. There was something about the walls in hindsight, like they shimmered. I feel like something put me in a petree dish and dumped little entities in with me to watch what would happen.


April 12, 2009

My dreams have the unfortunate quality of often feeling like bad movie sets. As if they were designed to distract and annoy me.

I have the strong suspicion that when I am able to stop chasing my own tail and walk off the set I’ll find myself in a very interesting place.