I awoke from a dream just a little while ago and I want to record it.
My dreams have become more significant over the last couple of years. Only intermittently though. They are teaching dreams.
In this one I had been part of an unfolding dream logic narrative, the bulk of which I cannot hold onto. It culminated in my capture by a group of beings similar to myself who wished me harm. A woman I cared for deeply, but only know in the dream had betrayed me to them. I could tell that she had been hurt into doing this since long before I had ever known her and that this group of beings valued her even less than they valued each other.
The central figure of this group of beings began trying to convince me to me to let them torture her to death. He said that if I just said that they could kill her then things would be so much easier for me. Part of the scenario was that death was different in this reality. Not so much physical as experiential. she would experience being killed many times, but could always be brought back again.
In the dream she was a strong, tall woman, wearing light armor of some kind. She had Auburn hair cut even neck length around her head and arranged so it fell to the sides of her face like an arch. She had a milky, smooth stone over her sixth chakra, or third eye.
My captor looked like a wizened and older version of a character named Thanos from the marvel comic book universe. Looking closely he appeared to be made of thick gray strands. His image would shift back forth between being a humanoid figure and small tiki-like doll in my hand.
In this kind of teaching dream it is very difficult to think. If you could think normally you could fall back on your logical rigidity and morality of inertia. These two qualities are not what is being tested and developed. The words that come to mind from my guides are “we are interested in the mutability of the psychic greenwood.” the psychic greenwood, is the experience that you carry with you without, or beyond memory. It is the set of experiences that fundamentally change who you are as much as changing your genetic code would. This is how I have been given to understand that souls who travel between lives and worlds of lost memory still learn and grow. In the dream state you have to build up a level of pre-conscious understanding of the situations that you encounter to react to them with anything more than primal biological or psycho-social responses. In this case I know I have been run through this scenario many, many times. I remember looking at my captor and the one I loved who betrayed me. In looking closely and paying attention I could feel something through the haze of my thoughts. I could feel that there was a key, an answer to this situation that belied the choices that my captor had given me. This is another through line of my training, both waking an dreaming. There are keys to every scenario and you can find them by relaxing your grip on their presentation. If you hold onto how a scenario has been presented to you, instead of what you truly see and feel, then you are trapped by the limitations that have been placed on reality by the description and presentation. If you want to free yourself you must let go and make a trans-rational leap from reacting to the scenario as it seems, to finding, embellishing and projecting the reality of knowing that already exists within you.
I looked at my love who betrayed me, then at my captor. I felt the knowing in my chest. I felt that I had been here before and that, even though she had betrayed me, and I was made tired, wanting nothing more than to be left to sleep, not be tortured by these beings, I knew that would bring me nothing, an annihilation of self. I felt the path in my chest, I felt that I had been here before, I felt the way out and I reached for it. I looked into my captor’s face, wizened and gnarled, I let go and I saw. “You have never loved anyone.” I said. “You are incapable of love. Aren’t you?” The way that I seemed to say the words held within it the knowing that having seen and felt the truth within myself, which includes my love for the one who betrayed me, I, and no being that had ever felt what I felt, could let harm come to her in my place, no matter what she had been hurt into doing against me. My captors face began to unravel and twist and I could feel my bonds and the edges of the dream falling away. I shouted liked an excited child “I remembered the lesson. I remembered the lesson!” As if it had taken me ages to get this far. In waking reality I would have been quietly thankful that there would be death and pain for no one that day, but that is a choice that I make based on my capacity to make it, a capacity which is withdrawn or hobbled in the dream state. My soul truth was and is that I am so excited and proud to have completed that lesson and deep learned the key.
I have mixed feelings about that feeling of excitement. Stopping another from being tortured in your place isn’t a logical moral problem for me. It’s wrong to let other be hurt in your place, but my guides don’t care about what I know and can do when I have my mind and logic and faculties to help me hold my form. My guides care about the greenwood of the soul. They care about who I am in the living moment, beyond polemics of morality. If I am someone who wants in my heart to let others be hurt so I can rest, then I cannot be a healer. If I am someone who reaches beyond the presentations of evil and takes hold of life without thought, then I can be a healer. This isn’t a black and white distinction. Children often do terrible things because they have not grown enough to know what the results of their actions would be. We forgive children this because we know that they will grow and become something else. So will each of us, though we must be held to a higher standard.
This is one scenario among endless and limitless.