Posts Tagged ‘Death’

Leon Botha

July 26, 2011

I don’t do many obits, but Earth lost a great talent and rising star by the name of Leon Botha on June 5 of 2011. He died of complications from progeria just after his 26th birthday.

You can find his amazing painting on his Flickr page:

What Holds Me Back

April 26, 2010

What holds me back from going completely into my felt presence of reality? There is a simple answer. I do not yet know how to feed the people.

What keeps me from my own experience is the fear of death. Not my own, for though my body clings to life my mind and soul would make no nest of pain from my passing. I fear the death of others who have not remembered yet, who would tear at the world and themselves in leaving it.

Healing, I have seen. Communication across time and space, I have seen. Many things I have seen, but food is what holds me captive. When oil is gone industrial agriculture will collapse. From oil we make both the fertilizers and pesticides that we need in massive amounts to maintain high-yield industrial monoculture crops. Even if we had energy to drive the machinery it would not replace these material inputs. Billions will starve, die in pain and anguish trying to find any way to survive, no matter how grotesque. I cannot accept this and I cannot leave the world as-it-is-presented until I see for myself a way beyond it.

I spoke to my mother about this. A voice came to her and said that if the people were opened and could receive a signal then they could be fed. I need to see. I need to see it done.

Collateral Murder

April 6, 2010

I can’t really function right now. Contains graphic violence against the human body, sanity, reason, compassion and hope for humanity.

More information:

Boingboing actually has the most informative news coverage that I’ve found:

Not In The Abstract

November 23, 2009

As much as I try to remember and to express that death does not need to be greeted with fear, there is a reason that we usually do. If I forget that then I’ve missed the point.

Mac Tonnies in Memoriam

October 27, 2009

Mac Tonnies defines a period in my life. I was just starting to come into an understanding of my own experience. I was finding all these blogs and websites by crazy, beautiful people and his was first among them. I heard Alan Watts for the first time through his blog, learned about Jacques Valle, and found so many other people who are having a liminal experience right now.

I once wrote “I often feel that Mac is akin to a science fictional monk, wandering the edges of an epistemic breach. He sends us back postcards of the serene, prophetic and catastrophic. He’s also pretty funny.” That still feels right to me.

Mac helped me define myself, and now, to my great regret, for me he’ll always define this time and place in my life.

I could go on and on, but what I need to say is thanks, from me and for all the lives you touched.


Mac Tonnies was in his own words “a Kansas City, Missouri-based author, blogger, Fortean researcher, and occasional speaker.”

He wrote prolifically at his blog Posthuman Blues, authored two books, Illumined Black and After the Martian Apocalypse, and contributed his essay “The Ancients are Watching” to the anthology Darklore Volume 2. The manuscript for his new book “The Cryptoterrestrials: Indigenous Humanoids and the Aliens Among Us” was scheduled to be finished by November. Hopefully it will still go to print.

Further writings and biographical information can be found on Mac’s website:

Mac Tonnies Has Died

October 23, 2009

Someone wake me up.

Some part of me is still pretending this is a terrible dream, but all his closest friends and colleagues are confirming:

Paul Kimball:

Greg Bishop:

Daily Grail:

Mac was just one of the nicest, most reasonable, and most wonder filled human beings I ever had the pleasure of meeting. I don’t know what else I could say. Goodbye Mac, we miss you.

Tiger and Me

September 18, 2009

Late fall of last year I was pacing around my house. This is a common activity for me when I am energetically shifting or out of balance, or just addressing an inward issue. I was trying to heal wounds in my energy body that were allowing small negative entities to bother me. After working through several different approaches without success, I was very much feeling like I needed help. This is also common. What isn’t common is that I realized an unusual being was observing me. It was unusual in that it wasn’t trying to hide its presence and it was an actual being with consciousness and a high level of complexity. It had an orange, third chakra energy and the body form that it retained from whatever incarnate existence it knew was quadrupedal and about one third my size. This being conveyed to me that it wanted to access my energy systems. I’m very careful about who I allow into my being. I examined its energy and intentions and asked by guides at the time if I should allow it into my being. Everything came back positive and I had a good feeling toward this being. A little tentatively I spoke and gave it access to my energy systems. I saw and felt it enter through my fourth chakra and begin to move around inside my bodies. I had the impression that it was chasing down small dark entities and chewing them up. Its presence also felt good, like it was supporting and protecting my wounds as they healed. As it worked I talked to this being and asked it questions. I asked if it, actually he, had a name. I think because of his orange energy the word tiger came into my mind and he liked it and said I should use that.

Tiger stayed with me for about a day. If I recall correctly I went to sleep with him there and when I woke up he was gone. After that he would show up every couple of days or I would call for help and he’d come, which ever came first. After about a week it came up with my mother that I was being visited. It was only then that it came out. I asked “Is Tiger actually Radar?” Her reaction was a yes. Radar was my dog who had died a month before this began. My mother and I were both in a very odd state after that, or at least I was. We had worked with excarnate souls and those who had just died, but we’d never had an experience where the soul actively interacted with incarnate beings over a prolonged period. More than that, I was just emotionally absorbing the experience of having an on going relationship with the spirit of my dog, one that I hadn’t known about till that moment. It was such a combination of joy and sadness. Every experience I’d had with Tiger took on new meaning and I felt myself shift at an emotional level. I had experienced that there was no real death, or end to the being by this point, but never so emotionally. I could feel my fear lifting away in a strange, even more terrifying way. I ask you if you would release your fear of loosing your loved ones for the knowledge that not even death will separate you. The fear makes you feel closer and safer when you have. If you let it go you have no idea what might happen.

My relationship with Tiger continued in a similar way for several months after this. We moved past just working and protecting me. Around this time I was called several times by my guides to journey for a specific purposes and Tiger became a part of this. Being called to journey for a purpose outside myself isn’t unusual, but the clarity of the requests and guided nature of the “missions” in this period was very unusual. The most memorable of these events began on an afternoon just after I woke up from a nap. I was strangely well rested and felt amazingly clear. I became aware that Tiger was entering my space and wanted my attention. I focused on him and he conveyed that we were going to be doing something together. Through the infinite openness of higher dimensional space he lead me to a lighted pillar with a doorway into its centre. We were going to be traveling a very long way in physical terms and this energy system appearing as pillar of light would allow us to do this safely. I balked at the idea of physical distance being dangerous or an impediment, but he made it clear that it was a necessary part of the journey. We entered the pillar of light and felt it flooding with energy. We stretched out across what felt like a tremendous distance, leaving any perception of the pillar behind. It was replaced by stars and deep space. In the middle of our perception was a rocky asteroid. Over its surface, and through its interior, I could see veins, like fungal hyphae. Size was impossible to judge and from experience I know that my sensory experience was a representation that allowed me to complete my task, not a physical reality. Along with these sensations I could feel Tiger’s presence. We were perfectly aware of each other, but I couldn’t see him. I became aware that I was being asked by an outside force to do something in relation the fugal forms living on this asteroid. I was going to carry a message and an energy that was very needed. The sense of ancient presence and compassion from the force that was telling me this was palpable. It was intimately familiar with the burdens that it was now asking others to take on. I moved in closer to the asteroid, to find the one I was there to guide. Being in a higher dimension, I could see completely through the asteroid and the fungal mass. I could see that on a cellular level there were individuals completely enmeshed together, yet they were mentally and genetically distinct. I was drawn to the one I was here for. He was an inventor, if that term can be applied to a being so different. I could feel the energy of the ancient force washing through me and I reached out to this fungal being. The light connected to him and I could see it pouring in. It was the old vision, love is the highest and there is no death. “We love you very much, and we’re sorry that we have to ask you to do something so hard.” I was given an information packet for him, a rote of how to change the way their society functions at a biochemical level. The change would open their society, allow them to experience other worlds. I knew that he would probably be killed for this, for all the usual reasons. I transmitted the information to him and guided his energies in understanding it. I’m still sorry I had to ask him to do something so hard, though I know why it happens this way. Tiger and I pulled back from the asteroid. Space jumps backward, there’s a flash and Tiger and I are walking out of the pillar of light. I can still see stars through the far side.

Tiger is Radar’s energy body. After death, the energy body either begins the process of reincarnation or to reintegrate with the soul. Tiger did the later. Over the months I saw him merge with his soul. As this happened our relationship changed. I had changed so much from knowing him in this way. I wasn’t afraid of loosing him anymore and he had done what he could for me. He began to move on to soul based experiences outside physical reality. This is where he still is, exploring and creating in higher dimensions. I still feel him, and see him occasionally, but he’s in his own realm of experience now. Until we meet again for the first time.

“Nothing but a Breath”

September 12, 2009

This is from the film version of the play “Wit,” staring Emma Thompson. Edit (17/10/2010): this video is not as good as the one I previously linked to. It omits a section at the end of the scene where Emma Thomson’s character juxtaposes her inability to find the link between what she sees as wit and living metaphysical truth with the fact that she does not go out, but returns to the library.

Something and Nothing

July 10, 2009

Silly and simplistic, but yes.

Nothing is more full than one is lead to think. Nothing is merely the potential of everything.

Edit: A friend has pointed out that some people might not find this video silly or simplistic. I actually love this video, as I love almost everything I post or link to here. It’s silly because Alan has a wonderful sense of humor and simplistic because he’s taking great honking ideas like government, death, nothingness, fear, control and so on and using them to make a short, clear presentation when in immediate experience these things are messy, complicated and as Alan himself would have put it “wiggly.”