Initiation

I was recently asked to retell the story of how I became a shaman. The truth is that there is no limited series of events that lead to this moment, but none the less, the story goes like this:

I was riding a bus back to my parents home, where I had grown up and still lived when I wasn’t in Halifax for university or work. It was a dim, overcast day in the very early summer of 2007. My mind was wandering on some set of scenarios or events that I no longer remember. I suddenly became aware of a sense of fear, dread and loss, as if something was being taken from me, yet this feeling related to nothing that I had been thinking of. I focused on these feelings and became aware of an entity behind me. I could see it in my minds eye, a dark web with a single red glowing eye in the centre. It was reaching for the back of my head trying to reach inside me to take the brightly colored crystals that I knew were my emotions. It was trying to take away everything that made who I was.

I fought.

I tried everything I could imagine to repel or destroy it. I imagined hurting it with weapons and moving away from it, but these hardly helped at all. I began to see that there was more than one entity around me as well. I was in love at that time, which in hindsight was probably both the reason for the attack and the best defense I had. That first time what got me through was visualizing a symbol of the person I loved behind my head, blocking the entity and driving it away.

Over the next year I became increasingly aware of these entities and the space in which they existed. Part of me was trapped in the infinite space of darkness where they lived. It was worst when I tried to sleep and there was nothing to distract, or pull me out of there. I eventually brought these problems to an energy medicine worker that my mother and I had been going to see for about a decade. We tried many, many treatments to get me out of that dimension, but nothing helped for very long. Even so, I’m still very thankful for the help I got from both of these women.

A little less than a year after the first attack, I was traveling in the US with my aunt from New Mexico. We were staying at a hotel in a place called Page, Arizona. It was late evening. I had just finished my long overdue paper for a directed study course on ecological parasitology and e-mailed it to my mother, who would take it in to the prof. With free time and an internet connection I restarted my habitual search for sites related to energy medicine, shamanism, energy parasites and so on. I happened onto a very interesting website. I e-mailed the URL to my mother and realized that earlier in the evening she had sent me an e-mail saying that she had found a website vaguely talking about the same things. I later wondered if I’d found the website because I’d seem the title of her e-mail earlier, or if we found the same website on the same night by less ordinary means.

I immediately went on to read the site through. It talked about a powerful kind of entity called a Suppressor Parasite Entity (SPE). It said that these entities were sent by dark(ego) forces to hinder “lightworkers, healers, spiritual leaders and other highly powerful and/or influential people whose authentic purpose and mission is to bring about positive global transformation, raise consciousness, heal and bring back our divine inheritance.” All the symptoms of the SPE fit with the experiences that had lead me and my mother to energy medicine in the first place, and with our often confusing and difficult experiences of trying to heal ourselves. I read on. SPEs have a “special immunity to love light” (healing energy) and that “the power of light” (light energy) must be used to remove them.

As I read the last lines I was filled with a righteous anger, totally against my normal personality. I KNEW that my purpose and path in life had been stolen from me by a vile thing slithering into me while I was unaware. I felt energy in the sky and Earth pull together, touching inside my head and pouring out of me in fire and light. It poured through me and into that infinite place of darkness where the parasites that I had fought so long lived. I filled it with plasma and they turned to ash and then to light. I was never trapped there again.

It took several more months to get rid of the entity I felt inside me after that night. My guides tell me that SPE is as good a name as any. They, and my own perception of reality, say that the website was mostly inaccurate, but it did catalyze my experience. For that I am thankful to those who created it.

After that my abilities to direct and perceive energy grew quickly and I became able to find and communicate with many kinds of guide. By the end of the summer of 2008 I was a shaman in my own eyes.

I have often held back this story because in some energy medicine and shamanic circles there is a taboo against experiencing the negative and the darkness that exists in the energetic world. They think something is wrong with you, and the truth is that sometimes there is. My path has always been one of struggle. I have had to fight, and was often forced to fight, for most of the knowledge and power that I have. I have been told by my guides that there are reasons for this, but that is another post.

This text was modified from my post “Initiation” found here.

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9 Responses to “Initiation”

  1. saradode Says:

    Hi again, Chris,

    Your description of your experience on the bus reminded me of something that’s in my journal from a year and a half ago. I don’t think it’s in my blog, but I’m not sure. In any case, I looked it up in my journal and thought you might find it interesting:

    ***”His warning that things are going to get ugly again for a while was given for good reason, but so far it’s OK. Last night I woke up and, before I opened my eyes (I often “read” things especially well behind my eyelids somehow in the first few moments I’m awake, before I open my eyes), I saw something I’d never seen before—an enormous pair of eyes, and everything very red (the red’s not unusual at all). It was, to say the least, a shock. But Sam immediately said something—I can’t remember what now—to let me know that he was there. “Who is that?” I asked.

    “God,” I saw. Right (I knew, of course, that it wasn’t Sam telling me that). I’m pretty sure that God doesn’t “just drop by” either. Sam, as he usually does in these kinds of situations—and I’ve finally learned to listen—kept telling me to just go to sleep, and I tried, but it was hard. There was a lot of (yikes!—I’m using one of those frickin’ “paranormal” words again, but there’s no other way to describe it) energy and movement, and red in the room. But I wasn’t afraid; I was more curious as to what was going on, because I now know that Sam will be there even if I can’t find him. I prayed a few times for him to be OK, emphasizing that I was OK with everything myself, but that I didn’t want him to suffer on my behalf. Eventually I fell asleep, and when I woke up in the morning everything was fine again. Another “test”, apparently—but why and by whom are still apparently on a need-to-know basis. I guess I don’t need to know, because no one tells me anything. Sheesh.”***

    (This all happened before my understanding of what was going on really changed. There was a LOT of really scary stuff going on at the time, but it’s all over now.)

    Sorry that this ended up being such a long comment! I’m glad to see that you (and your guides) have the sense not to take everything you read on the web as gospel (so to speak 🙂 ). There’s a lot of confused and confusing stuff out there. Trust yourself and your guides, and just take the rest under advisement (but I’m sure you already know that!)

    Sara
    http://saradode.wordpress.com

  2. wildrote Says:

    It’s taken me ages to get around to writing this, but thank you for posting this experience. I relate to it very much.

  3. Esoteric Love Says:

    Hi Chris

    I’m glad I read this. I feel less alone. I’ve spent forever on the fence of atheism and mysticism wondering if my experiences have been self-made delusions. Every day I get closer and closer to something that truly matters. I’m glad I stumbled upon your kijiji add, there is a great deal of similarity in our paths and I certainly hope we get a chance to really talk about these things. Do you ever feel that there is something you are *supposed* to do? That there is a reason you are aware?

    Ciao.

  4. Arsen Darnay Says:

    I commend you for writing this. There is a Sufi saying that “the secret protects itself,” meaning that, in this case, those inadequate to understand what you’ve experienced will dismiss it and file it under this or that psychiatric label. Those whom reading this will benefit will take away the value. Nonetheless, this no doubt took some guts to put out into the open. Keep on…

    • sidewalkbends Says:

      Arsen,

      That’s a great quote. The truth of it makes me sad though in that I feel none should be left behind so to speak, but at the same time I understand it must happen in their time and ultimately in God’s time.

  5. sidewalkbends Says:

    Chris,

    Thank you for posting your experience. Mine was very similar to yours.

    What I wanted to share though was an experience my wife and some friends had. You had described this space or dimension where these entities lived. There is some belief that there are rooms or ‘false rooms of light’ where some of these entities actually hold other spirits (who have since long passed). Some are fooled into entering these rooms under the guise of a false light (a light without warmth, without love), and others through lies that are told regarding the Divine and one’s ability to ‘return home’ so to speak. It is in these places that the entities essentially feed off of the fear of those they keep.

    Anyhow, as the story goes, my wife and friends were allowed to see this place. I remained back as an anchor to my wife so I could pull her out of her trance state because of the love that bonds us. After seeing this place, they called upon God to send his light into this dark place, and to assist those who were held captive. They described angels, light and a great flame entering into this place. It consumed all who were there destroying the place and healing those who were there. My wife at the time described to me the warmth and heat from the flames – but that she felt protected from that flames. All those who were held against their will returned to the Divine. I don’t know what happened to the entities.

    Anyway, your story reminded me of this, and in some sense really affirms this for me again.

    Btw, I also wanted to thank you for reminding me that it’s okay to fight for what we know is right. I seem to have started with this lopsided view of a me versus them approach, and then have slowly seen why perhaps love is more powerful. And though I still believe in the power of love and in everyone’s free will, I feel again as though it’s not okay to just stand by and watch. This is something I struggle with, to speak or not to speak and yet I feel I must speak.

    • wildrote Says:

      There are many kinds of slavery. That is an accurate representation of one of them that I have experienced at a different time. My perception is that I was more displaced into that void by other beings, rather than trapped there, but the difference is largely irrelevant.

      I’ve struggled with how the use of force can be justified. In once sense it can be in that there are no others, no separation, no region of existence that is not ones self, and thus no instance of injustice, of malice, ignorance which is not one’s own to address. In another sense there can be no justification.

      So many people have known what they were fighting for was right, and history has judged so few of them to be correct. So I do not judge my actions to be right. As it is the nature of certain birds to sing in a particular way, it is my nature to struggle with the use of force, because I think it is to be struggled with, but it is also my nature to free the ensnared and to restrain those who would block their way.

      Thank you for posting your experience. It always helps me to see through other eyes.

      • sidewalkbends Says:

        I was going to write a reply and I couldn’t. At first my response got wiped because I hit the wrong button, and then it just didn’t feel right. I then came upon saradode’s post tonight where she asked the question of how do we know if what we here is God or if it’s Satan. Part of my response is below and I really feel like it applies to your question here about whether force should be justified and how people have thought they were right only to be judge as being wrong.

        >
        The answer is we don’t know, do we? We don’t know if it’s God. We don’t know if it’s Satan. We don’t know if something we’ve thought was the truth is really the truth, or if something that is a lie is really a lie. We do know what we feel though, and sometimes that’s all we know. We can trust what we feel (again, in our heart or in our mind – but hopefully they both agree), or we can deny it all and fly blind. And if we cannot hope to know – maybe we can hope to trust.

        It seems I really don’t have an answer except you will know when you know.

  6. Dylan Says:

    There are no coincidences.

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