The Fallow Time

When I look into the eyes of man and woman I see many things. I see among all of those things the unending desire for their own suffering in this world and those that are to follow. I see the craving for suffering that lives within their soul. In the face of that my spirit weeps. When I look into my own eyes I see my own craving for suffering, abated by time and by pain and by truth that wracks the mind into fine silver, but I still see it within… and I weep.

When I see someone in distress it is all I can do but to help them. It’s been that way since I was a child. My beautiful Ina bought a little card to put up on the fridge which succinctly says “Too old to go on. Too young to stop.” Below is the picture of an exhausted parent rabbit surrounded by hopping, bouncing baby rabbits. It’s quite cute, and gives me actually a lot of joy to think of the future and children, laughter and seeing this world with new eyes, but it also brings me sadness. I don’t know how to help anymore.

We, all of us are here to yearn and crave and suffer in this world. Their are many other reasons to be here, but in this world we all need food, water, shelter, love, companionship, purpose and hope. Without these things we all suffer terrible. Beyond this we are afflicted with limitations of mind, body and spirit. We are poured full of our ancestors, their wrongs and their pains, faded by time and distance, but almost never defeated and always seeking to return to the next generation.

The human being is suffused with a perverse need to live out its inner darkness, its unspoken desires and the small thrill that follows the forbidden and the transgressive. I applaud the grand confrontation. The act of staring into every dark corner of your own being being that makes you want to look away and pretend that you never thought or felt those things. The pain is unspeakable. It feels like being rent in two. The compulsion to annihilate yourself with shame, and with it that part of god that speaks with your voice, is overwhelming. Sometimes it is all I can focus on to keep myself open, that no matter the darkness, there is love, and that every act of self destruction or denial of the truth is a selfish act. It saves no one. It protects no one. It balances no scales and frees no mind.

All I want to see when I look into the eyes of another is the capacity to change. A capacity that is not concerned with hoarding its self. All I want to see is the capacity to grant our lives and our suffering a meaning beyond the moments of beauty and joy that find us here. I value life itself above all other things. Not a single life, or a length of life, but life itself, the principle and the gift. It teaches us and helps souls to grow up. In the world of the mind and spirit there is no death, only cycles of self annihilation that last as long as the participants are willing. For true death their must be loss, and their must be separation. When someone dies here we will never live with them in that form again. Whatever they may have become is lost to this world forever. That knowledge and the pain the inevitably comes with this sinks into the soul.

The greatest crime committed against our souls by this world, and the greatest gift that it can give us, is time and distance. It is not enough to conceive and to know the work that must be done. We must plod. We must do each step in time and space and must truly know each step by experience. This leaves us prey to boredom, craving and self destruction by inches. It also leaves us open to healing. A healing that often we do not want. It leaves us open to experiences we never wanted or sought, because here there is no escape from time, or ourselves.

I feel too old to go on, but I know I am too young to stop, and too much left undone. I will walk with the broken. Those who are not afraid of losing themselves or of losing their pain when they come to me. I am a healer because it is my song. I sing it when I am sad and I sing it when I am happy.

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