Archive for August, 2012

A Box to Save Me II

August 21, 2012

I am feeling more well now. Sometimes I am in a great amount of pain.

I have worked for much of my life to reach the point where I could carry the current of knowing, unalloyed by artifice or externalization. In one form I have achieved that, but in doing so I have learned other lessons and wish to reach for other goals.

A limit on my development is that I am not a unified being. I contain elements that have been stitched or bound together against their natural inclinations. This truth exists in multiple levels and forms. I am a complex genetic hybrid whose life functions are a delicate balance between extremes. More importantly, I intentionally took on dark elements of family lineage and history within my present incarnation. The more I grow the more these elements are brought into direct conflict with my life force and the strong currents that I receive from the Music and the other forces and beings who guide my life in this physical reality. The results of this conflict are very painful. Wounded history, psychotic and abusive forces and emotional trauma become locked within physical parts of the body. This locking within physicality separates these forces from my psyche so that I do not need to experience them as if they were my own personal thoughts and feelings. This separation allows me to have a more functional human life, but one of the consequences is the physical pain and sense of separation located within the effected regions of the biological, emotional, and some levels of the energy body. The way that this has developed over the last six months is quite intense. A vertical section or slice on the outer edge of the right side of my body feels like it is part of another person’s body much of the time. This feeling encompasses my right arm, shoulder, the side of my neck, my inner ear, a strip of my face, a strip down my side, a small portion of my intestines in the ileocecal region, regions of my right thigh, leg and foot and a small extensions from my side to my second chakra / sacral region on the front of my body. The right arm has the most intense feelings of otherness associated with it, but the feelings are different day by day.

My past experiences indicate that it will take a period of time measured in months and years, and a large amount of directed life energy to traverse these feelings. When I first began writing on Wild Rote I had been experiencing what I called a window at the back of my head for several years. This window left me completely open and vulnerable during the part of my life where I began to achieve conscious awareness of the metaphysical reality that surrounds me. It was an extremely unpleasant process for me personally, but by this point it has left little trace, save for the fact that I have very sensitive and active “seat of consciousness” acupressure points in roughly the same area, what we called the “release points” when my mother and I were going to energy medicine sessions regularly.

I would still enjoy a practice that gave me separation from the unalloyed process. A gateway that I would have to choose to enter, instead of an unbidden power. I will let the guides sit with that.

A Box to Save Me

August 18, 2012

It’s so hilarious. I can’t believe I never saw it before.

One of my favorite quotes has always been this; that a church is a box that you put god inside of so that he can’t get at you when you are anywhere else.

I always put this quote to mean how silly it was to put god or the mystery away from your everyday life, but I realize now that I wish so much that I did have a box where I could put the spirit so that it couldn’t get to me and show me things that burn my eyes out from the inside. I wish I could put it inside a practice or a set of rituals that would save me from the burning pain. I would do those rituals everyday and they would be done, and my bones wouldn’t stretch and snap. My flesh would not move like the tide in a see of ghosts.

Two Images of the Soul

August 13, 2012

Threads of root light reaching down through the layers to find us in our hearts.

Surrounding, permeating, creating, womb like and embodied.

Both of these images I see. Neither of these images is the breath, animate, conscious, spiritual spark of life force that moves within us and between all things and belongs ultimately to know one. The soul is perpetual, written and writing by the scroll work of our lives, outside of time. Spirit moves, grows, changes. They are of a part, partaking in each other, but this is the limit of my sight. There is a mystery in their unity and separation that I have not penetrated in waking life.

Scenario Lesson: You don’t allow people you love to be hurt, even when they hurt you

August 11, 2012

I awoke from a dream just a little while ago and I want to record it.

My dreams have become more significant over the last couple of years. Only intermittently though. They are teaching dreams.

In this one I had been part of an unfolding dream logic narrative, the bulk of which I cannot hold onto. It culminated in my capture by a group of beings similar to myself who wished me harm. A woman I cared for deeply, but only know in the dream had betrayed me to them. I could tell that she had been hurt into doing this since long before I had ever known her and that this group of beings valued her even less than they valued each other.

The central figure of this group of beings began trying to convince me to me to let them torture her to death. He said that if I just said that they could kill her then things would be so much easier for me. Part of the scenario was that death was different in this reality. Not so much physical as experiential. she would experience being killed many times, but could always be brought back again.

In the dream she was a strong, tall woman, wearing light armor of some kind. She had Auburn hair cut even neck length around her head and arranged so it fell to the sides of her face like an arch. She had a milky, smooth stone over her sixth chakra, or third eye.

My captor looked like a wizened and older version of a character named Thanos from the marvel comic book universe. Looking closely he appeared to be made of thick gray strands. His image would shift back forth between being a humanoid figure and small tiki-like doll in my hand.

In this kind of teaching dream it is very difficult to think. If you could think normally you could fall back on your logical rigidity and morality of inertia. These two qualities are not what is being tested and developed. The words that come to mind from my guides are “we are interested in the mutability of the psychic greenwood.” the psychic greenwood, is the experience that you carry with you without, or beyond memory. It is the set of experiences that fundamentally change who you are as much as changing your genetic code would. This is how I have been given to understand that souls who travel between lives and worlds of lost memory still learn and grow. In the dream state you have to build up a level of pre-conscious understanding of the situations that you encounter to react to them with anything more than primal biological or psycho-social responses. In this case I know I have been run through this scenario many, many times. I remember looking at my captor and the one I loved who betrayed me. In looking closely and paying attention I could feel something through the haze of my thoughts. I could feel that there was a key, an answer to this situation that belied the choices that my captor had given me. This is another through line of my training, both waking an dreaming. There are keys to every scenario and you can find them by relaxing your grip on their presentation. If you hold onto how a scenario has been presented to you, instead of what you truly see and feel, then you are trapped by the limitations that have been placed on reality by the description and presentation. If you want to free yourself you must let go and make a trans-rational leap from reacting to the scenario as it seems, to finding, embellishing and projecting the reality of knowing that already exists within you.

I looked at my love who betrayed me, then at my captor. I felt the knowing in my chest. I felt that I had been here before and that, even though she had betrayed me, and I was made tired, wanting nothing more than to be left to sleep, not be tortured by these beings, I knew that would bring me nothing, an annihilation of self. I felt the path in my chest, I felt that I had been here before, I felt the way out and I reached for it. I looked into my captor’s face, wizened and gnarled, I let go and I saw. “You have never loved anyone.” I said. “You are incapable of love. Aren’t you?” The way that I seemed to say the words held within it the knowing that having seen and felt the truth within myself, which includes my love for the one who betrayed me, I, and no being that had ever felt what I felt, could let harm come to her in my place, no matter what she had been hurt into doing against me. My captors face began to unravel and twist and I could feel my bonds and the edges of the dream falling away. I shouted liked an excited child “I remembered the lesson. I remembered the lesson!” As if it had taken me ages to get this far. In waking reality I would have been quietly thankful that there would be death and pain for no one that day, but that is a choice that I make based on my capacity to make it, a capacity which is withdrawn or hobbled in the dream state. My soul truth was and is that I am so excited and proud to have completed that lesson and deep learned the key.

I have mixed feelings about that feeling of excitement. Stopping another from being tortured in your place isn’t a logical moral problem for me. It’s wrong to let other be hurt in your place, but my guides don’t care about what I know and can do when I have my mind and logic and faculties to help me hold my form. My guides care about the greenwood of the soul. They care about who I am in the living moment, beyond polemics of morality. If I am someone who wants in my heart to let others be hurt so I can rest, then I cannot be a healer. If I am someone who reaches beyond the presentations of evil and takes hold of life without thought, then I can be a healer. This isn’t a black and white distinction. Children often do terrible things because they have not grown enough to know what the results of their actions would be. We forgive children this because we know that they will grow and become something else. So will each of us, though we must be held to a higher standard.

This is one scenario among endless and limitless.