I am feeling more well now. Sometimes I am in a great amount of pain.
I have worked for much of my life to reach the point where I could carry the current of knowing, unalloyed by artifice or externalization. In one form I have achieved that, but in doing so I have learned other lessons and wish to reach for other goals.
A limit on my development is that I am not a unified being. I contain elements that have been stitched or bound together against their natural inclinations. This truth exists in multiple levels and forms. I am a complex genetic hybrid whose life functions are a delicate balance between extremes. More importantly, I intentionally took on dark elements of family lineage and history within my present incarnation. The more I grow the more these elements are brought into direct conflict with my life force and the strong currents that I receive from the Music and the other forces and beings who guide my life in this physical reality. The results of this conflict are very painful. Wounded history, psychotic and abusive forces and emotional trauma become locked within physical parts of the body. This locking within physicality separates these forces from my psyche so that I do not need to experience them as if they were my own personal thoughts and feelings. This separation allows me to have a more functional human life, but one of the consequences is the physical pain and sense of separation located within the effected regions of the biological, emotional, and some levels of the energy body. The way that this has developed over the last six months is quite intense. A vertical section or slice on the outer edge of the right side of my body feels like it is part of another person’s body much of the time. This feeling encompasses my right arm, shoulder, the side of my neck, my inner ear, a strip of my face, a strip down my side, a small portion of my intestines in the ileocecal region, regions of my right thigh, leg and foot and a small extensions from my side to my second chakra / sacral region on the front of my body. The right arm has the most intense feelings of otherness associated with it, but the feelings are different day by day.
My past experiences indicate that it will take a period of time measured in months and years, and a large amount of directed life energy to traverse these feelings. When I first began writing on Wild Rote I had been experiencing what I called a window at the back of my head for several years. This window left me completely open and vulnerable during the part of my life where I began to achieve conscious awareness of the metaphysical reality that surrounds me. It was an extremely unpleasant process for me personally, but by this point it has left little trace, save for the fact that I have very sensitive and active “seat of consciousness” acupressure points in roughly the same area, what we called the “release points” when my mother and I were going to energy medicine sessions regularly.
I would still enjoy a practice that gave me separation from the unalloyed process. A gateway that I would have to choose to enter, instead of an unbidden power. I will let the guides sit with that.