Coelacanths of the Id

Cast down your nets into the darkness you hide. Draw them up, the fossils that tell us about ourselves.

If you want to very quickly know more about who you are as an individual human being on this planet my advice would be to try writing some sexual fiction. I’m embarrassed as I write that, but it’s essential that I write it. I cannot tolerate being embarrassed by writing about something that of itself hurts no one and is one of the primary experiences of being human. Sexuality creates sickness under three conditions, firstly when you lock it away in a closet, secondly when you force it onto others, thirdly when you erase too many of your existing boundaries too quickly. Writing sexual stories only has the potential to erase the boundaries within you and is one of the fastest ways of bringing up material from the subconscious that is suppressed, repressed and hidden a majority of the time in life.

Finding out who you are as an individual human being is only as interesting and enlightening as you happen to be already. It’s a compounding process of the other connections and complexities beyond the limits of your individual self. So this process my not be for you if you don’t have anything worth dredging up. It’s not going to expand you, but it will open you. Or perhaps you have real darkness to work on within yourself before you want to start dredging up more unseen things. I’ve worked on my self. I’ve meditated and contemplated for years. I’ve engaged energetically and spiritually in every way that seemed like it could take me deeper and further. I’ve thinned myself out to the point I could begin to see into the centre of things, but you can only go so far, or I can only go so far within myself and beyond myself before descending back into everything that I would rather have gotten away from. Each time I traverse that inner darkness it becomes thinner, and I have traversed it many times. Each time I can see and feel more clearly that nothing could ever really be so horrible as this realm tries to convince me that it is. It’s just a form and you can take it or let it go once you have released its power through your experience of it.

I have things that are really worthy of shame and embarrassment within my memory of this lifetime, and beyond it. I have caused real pain and anguish, which I will always try to mend, heal and alleviate. For these I can be forgiven because I have seen and been shown the circumstances that created me and my actions, and because I must forgive or the cycle of suffering will never end for me or for those I have harmed. I have no room within me for the deathly fear, shame and embarrassment that is attached to sexuality that harms no one and is of profound importance to the development of the psyche.

Sexuality is repressed for the same reason that it is so useful in revealing elements of the subconscious. It is powerful, drug-like, elides boundaries and has an almost direct connection to the human subconscious. These are dangerous, volatile qualities and should be handled with care and wisdom, but being alive is dangerous and volatile. If you try to escape it you are trying to escape life itself. There are far faster and more efficient ways of achieving that end than sexual repression.

Sexuality is a vanishingly small aspect of my sense of self, but has been important to the journey that I have chosen in life. Understanding the dynamic tension between shame and revulsion on the one hand and desire and attachment on the other has been very important. You cannot free yourself until you enter into full awareness of your attachments. Emotional energy is a thing of half awareness and the subconscious. Seen clearly in the light of the waking mind these energies dissipate.

Pulp is the key. Pulp as in old pulp magazines and novels. Stereotypes, prejudices, the primacy of the id. The river of the unconscious and unexamined symbols that your dreaming mind uses to cut the world into pieces that make sense of experience. These are the keys to finding attachments and beginning to end them by seeing them clearly. By end I mean that the unconscious power of images and symbols within your mind will become conscious. Their creeping influence and power over you will be ended because you have opened yourself enough to see and work with them. This process will change you. It is not about leaving or escaping, but about dissipating the emotional power of subconscious desires and symbols by fully seeing and experiencing them as they truly are, not as they are imagined or held within the subconscious.

For me this process is not about erasing all boundaries within myself. It is about becoming aware of my own structure and identity. It is about becoming cognizant of and responsible for the energies which are within me whether I speak of them or not. Some boundaries will be erased because they serve no purpose and hinder rather than help, hold back energies that should be let forth. Other boundaries exist for definite reasons, to separate energies, actions and thoughts that react, conflict and harm one another or cannot exist in each others company. Learning what needs to be released and what needs to be held is the benefit of experience.

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