“I’m addicted to something that doesn’t exist, and I think I’m going into withdrawal.” – William S. Burroughs
Archive for November, 2011
When I was fourteen I got a headache and it never went away.
It started when I was thirteen. I would get it periodically. I could say it was I was having more stress about my education and what I wanted to do with my life, but I could never really make any correlation between the headache and what was happening that minute, day or week. I changed a lot that year. I started losing the excess physical weight I had carried around since I was six, when the spiritual weight of the world had descended onto my shoulders. By fourteen I was dangerously thin. I started running in earnest. My personality changed.
I remember with crystal clarity the last day that I didn’t have that pain in my head. It was late fall. I had just woken up and realized the pain was gone. Nothing else hurt either. I had a moment of real joy. That was the last day. I learned to live with the pain. It became irrelevant because it had no relation to my life or choices. There was nothing I could do to abate it or make it stop. We saw many doctors, but eventually I stopped talking about it to the point my parents forgot it was there.
It was a strange headache. A dull, static-like, cloud-like pain that drifted over the surface of my head, never resting too long or waiting too long to return. It felt like warm, colorless smoke trying to push its way into my head.
I mix the present and the past tense because it serves my purpose. The headache never went away, but I don’t feel it as I used to. All I feel now is energy. Intense and difficult and transforming. The plates of my skull move, bunching and shifting and opening. The feelings extend out beyond my physical body. It doesn’t hurt if I keep my heart open. So I lied. I don’t have a headache all the time anymore. I have a current that flows through me, always.
Chris Hedges has a new article up. I would say that it is about occupy wall St., but that would not be true. To me it’s about being human at this time on Earth. It’s the best thing I’ve read in weeks, in terms of its moral power, its authenticity and the quality of the writing itself.
You can find it several places, but I read it at Seismologik: http://www.seismologik.com/journal/2011/11/7/finding-freedom-in-handcuffs.html
The last paragraph is particularly moving.
“There are streaks in my lungs, traces of the tuberculosis that I picked up around hundreds of dying Sudanese during the famine I covered as a foreign correspondent. I was strong and privileged and fought off the disease. They were not and did not. The bodies, most of them children, were dumped into hastily dug mass graves. The scars I carry within me are the whispers of these dead. They are the faint marks of those who never had a chance to become men or women, to fall in love and have children of their own. I carried these scars to the doors of Goldman Sachs. I had returned to living. Those whose last breaths had marked my lungs had not. I placed myself at the feet of these commodity traders to call for justice because the dead, and those who are dying in slums and refugee camps across the planet, could not make this journey. I see their faces. They haunt me in the day and come to me in the dark. They force me to remember. They make me choose sides. As the metal handcuffs were fastened around my wrists I thought of them, as I often think of them, and I said to myself: ‘Free at last. Free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last.'” – Chris Hedges
Discourse on the Lateral and Trans-rational Cycle Breaking of Psychic Abuse and Violence ReverberationsNovember 9, 2011
It is necessary for the abuser to convince either his victims and or the matrix of his society that his actions are natural and just, otherwise he and they would immediately be rejected and quashed. The abuser most frequently achieves this conviction by the projection of a false image or narrative structure.
“It’s your fault this is happening. You did something bad. You wanted this and you still do want this. You enjoy this.”
This false image and narrative structure projection is most effective when it originates at a subconscious level. This has both benefit of absolving the abuser’s rational ego structure of guilt and of employing the psychic and emotive subtle energies in reworking perception and reality around the abuser.
It should be noted that the victim/s are usually complicit through some mixing of attractive and repulsive forces or by some unknown absence of internal awareness. On the animal level violence of all kinds tends to generate the response of escape or destruction. On the psychic level violence creates reverberations and frequencies that draw attention and easily form into self sustaining feedback loops. Complete innocence in victim and bystander alike is vanishingly rare. This fact cannot be allowed to induce one to identify with the abuser’s false projection, or psycho-trope. Doing so will allow your reality framework to be subsumed by the abuser’s, making you an implicit extension of their will, and worse yet, obscuring the clarity of your own perception and purpose. Similarly identifying with the victim locks you into the narrative structure of the conflict. This is a safer position in general, but limits ones options for radical lateral and trans-rational action to break the psychic feedback cycle of violent reverberations.
The mixing of attractive and repulsive forces is of central importance to understanding the abuse cycle. Abuse in its pure form requires entrapment for the prolonged effects to take hold. External entrapment is sufficient, but internal entrapment is necessary for full effect. Merely external entrapment of the human form, for example, requires the use of various torture methodologies to achieve the same level of dimension spanning self abnegation that internal entrapment achieves with far less energy expenditure. Internal entrapment depends upon the entanglement of polar oppositional forces and their subsequent confusion with and for one another. The primary example of this exchange is between love and pain, love being the attractive and pain being the repulsive. Complete entrapment depends on the victim coming to believe that these oppositional forces are the same, or of a kind to the point where one cannot be accepted without the other. This is a reality tuning function and prolongs the agony and abnegation-of-self beyond any conceivable physical manifestation.
The abnegation of self is the purest purpose of all abuse. Through violence and entrapment the undesirable elements of the self are suppressed and the desired elements can then be created in the blank space that is left. This concept can most easily be revealed in the conflict between self and pornography. We must be absolutely clear that pornography in this context has nothing to do with human sexual proclivities necessarily. In its pure form pornography is merely the subtraction of genuinely perceived reality with a false, stimulating and evocative image. Nature photography is the best example. An image bereft of smell, touch or meaning of place, disembodied and painless. With that distinction made we return to the self. The self is an ecosystem structure of cycling and semi-oppositional and semi-contained forces. It is an internal wetland, from the deep peat of the subconscious, flowing waters of the rational mind and the sunlight of the higher being and self. It is dirty, complicated, fragile, resilient and completely useless at being anything at all but what it is. This state of being is intolerable to control oriented forms. The metaphor of a physical ecosystem must be broken here because under physical law it cannot be self abnegating. The self under psychic law may be self abnegating and this is the ultimate abuse, to coerce a being into trying to destroy, or obliterate it’s own being, which stems from the source of all being and life and is the definition of sacred. It must be made clear that the physical body is not excluded from this process, but it is the merest point within the true image of the self.
Breaking the feedback cycle of violent reverberations is usually a transgressional and discordant act. Discordant against the harmonies and cadences that those reverberations of violence have created through time within the space in which they exist. The longer they are and the more entrenched the more discordant will be the process of cycle breaking. Lateral and trans-rational movement is advisable. Such movement is not possible for control oriented mind structures on the level in which the trans-rational act occurs. Agents of control within higher orders of frequency will still attempt interference, but their physical and lower order agents will be at a disadvantage.
You must never use violence in the attempt to break a psychic feedback cycle of violent reverberations. Violence can end physical entrapment, but until an internal jailbreak occurs under internal power, no freedom will be had. Transgression is not necessarily violence. Discord is not necessarily violence. In true form of the human condition each individual human interpenetrates and exists partially within hundreds of thousands of other beings and is in constant relational contact with all other human forms on Earth and other celestial and planetary forms. This is a consistent reality that is at odds with individual ego structures, which are carried within and around each of those individual human forms on Earth specifically. Transgression of that ego structure is not necessarily violence.
There is a spider inside of your brain. It kills you every time you think something that breaks the rules. You come back in a moment, but you never remember. Except sometimes when you’re dreaming. The spider can’t dream.
It’s not good for you to see too much. Too much current down the wire. It starts to burn and fray. Doesn’t want to be a wire anymore. Dreams about being a cloud with wind in its veins and stars in its skull.
How much would it hurt to look in the mirror and see another man’s face that can be happy and safe, not like yours. These hands were made for holding the annihilating light. They need a face like a well because if that light ever hits the sides you’re as fried as human hair on a cinder block. Smells like fresh vomit and stale ash.
Terminal of the empty flesh. Don’t believe the ghosts and specters. They only want in. You are the power and image of god in every motion.
You wouldn’t believe how hard water was. Bloody miracle we got it. Indestructible and nurturing. It’s the only thing that ever kept you safe. That and magnetism. Deaf, stupid monkeys.
Kill the spider.