I remember the exact moment I found the emptiness of all form and being. I was twelve and I had just looked up at my father and my dog, Radar. We were in the basement of my parent’s home. I saw them with exact clarity, without meaning or emotion. They were empty forms.
That moment was the product of a journey that I began a year before. I had realized that I experienced joy at things that I thought and felt were wrong. I chose to change myself. I would only express joy at that which I thought was actually good. These actions brought my attention to the nature of goodness and rightness. I had always felt them and tried to follow that feeling and knowing, but in the process of trying to pin them down they began to run through my fingers like sand. I was eventually brought to ultimate cases. I saw before me the perfect world that I might create by the destruction of the imperfect and flawed Christopher and his replacement by a perfect automaton who’s every action and thought might bring it into being. I was repulsed, both by that painless and perfect world and by the spiritless function I would become in trying to create it. Until that time in my life I had been symbolized by a blue sword with a fire and and edge that would only harm evil. When I could no longer find what goodness was I broke that sword. I found a new way. If I could not find goodness then I would find truth. I had seen the illusory nature of my emotions and self projections. I sought to end their influence over my being and my perceptions. That Journey brought me to that moment in my parent’s basement that is etched into my memory.
In the moment I looked at my father and my dog and felt nothing I realized that something had changed. I turned within myself and looked out into an endless void that contained all form devoid of meaning. I perceived its infinite nature and that it itself was devoid of truth. I turned from the void and looked back to where I had come. I saw the spectrum of all meaningful being in color, light, emotion, joy and pain. I realized that everything that I could ever care for lay behind me and that truth and beauty were held inside the fleeting fabric of meaning. My journey would be into the fold and weave of their infinite dimension and development, their subtlety and their refinement. Within this realization was another simpler lesson, that brute force, applied to consciousness or anything else, would only ever yield an extreme.
“And he rose from the endless sea to unleash the world upon itself.”
Image and Quote from Tyrus Peace’s phenomenal Not-Included.