(Dis)Ingenuous Patterns

On a fairly regular basis I am taken to the psychological and physical limits of my endurance. This is part of a repeating pattern that exists largely outside any story about myself that I have been given. The pattern is cyclical, composed of distinct phases and occurs roughly several times a month. For the purposes of this description I will call these phases Base-line N, Decent, Negative Peak, Ascent, Positive Peak and Base-line N+1.

Base-line N (N = the unknown number of previous cycles) represents my unperturbed psychophysical energetic state at the beginning of the cycle. Decent is initiated by a disproportionately negative psychophysical energetic reaction to some superficial stimulus. Sometimes the stimulus is explicit, sometimes it is difficult to identify if there even was a stimulus. This has lead me to suspect that the stimulus is, if anything, a convenience for initiating the cycle, or a cover for the real causation. Examples of explicit stimuli include: intractable moral questions, confrontation with fundamentalist beliefs, social awkwardness, embarrassment, bad dreams, etc. etc. Decent is usually the longest phase, taking at least several hours and sometimes as much as several days. During this time I will be repeatedly confronted on every level by the negative reaction that the stimulus supposedly created. If there did not appear to be a stimulus, this process is much the same except that it lacks an external manifestation to justify the internal reaction. The internal reality of the event is nearly identical
however. The end result of this continuous onslaught is a gradual degradation of my wellbeing, psychological defenses and physical reserves of energy. An identifying quality of these cycles is that attempts to interrupt the cycle at this point will uniformly fail. No rational argument, emotional insight, physical action will end the decent process. Energy medicine techniques have been able to temporarily interrupt the process with a great expenditure of time and effort, but even these techniques only seem to be addressing the superficial means that create the cycle. As one means of creating it is removed another is moved into position. I will often become intensely aware of a non-physical presence that I feel is causing me to experience these negative feelings. Torturing me. Ultimately the decent phase will continue until I have been to my psychological and/or physical limits. My defenses have been stripped and I have nothing more with which to resist the process. Needless to say, this is extremely painful. This is Negative Peak.

Negative Peak is brief, usually lasting no more than an hour. This phase represents the state in which I no longer have any defense against what is happening. I have been taken to some psychological limit and pushed slightly past it. I am just suffering. Intense suffering. Usually the final thought of negative peak is a genuine emotional realization that “I don’t want to be alive with this anymore.” This is usually when it, whatever it is, lets go. This is Ascent.

Ascent is characterized by a feeling of RELEASE. The psychological and physical pain begin to slowly diminish, but it is immediately clear that whatever force was holding me has withdrawn completely. Ascent is even shorter than Negative Peak, usually only lasting a half hour. The pain will continue to diminish and a sense of well being with begin to return. At the same time a subtle feeling will begin to manifest. This feeling will convey the necessity of the process I just went through and that a great weight has been lifted from me because of it. These feeling will continue to strengthen until I reach Positive Peak.

Positive Peak is the shortest phase, usually only lasting five to ten minutes. It is the phase in which the reason for the cycle is “revealed.” I am shown how I held a negative pattern or energy so deeply within me that I would never consciously choose to go that deep in order to remove it, and that if I was aware of the process that was removing it I would inhibit the process. I am also shown the new plateau of clarity I have reached because of the process. This is usually a euphoric and transcendent experience, especially considering the pain that I have just been through. After the euphoria fades I enter Base-line N+1, my new baseline psychophysical energetic state after the cycle has been completed, though it will take some time for me to fully adjust to it.

I do not know what the truth of this experience is. The feelings I have described really occur, but I do not know if they represent a greater reality. I am doubtful of any system that requires such suffer to traverse it, but I can say that my abilities do seem to grow naturally over time and particularly after events like these cycles. I have asked my guides many times about this cycle, but I do not receive an satisfactory answers. To be very clear, I have generalized greatly. There are many experiences very much like this one that differ in small, but significant ways. The identifying qualities of this experience are the phases, the feeling of a distinct entity or being causing the cycle, and the trickster aspect of hiding the causation under a superficial stimulus.

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