My Cosmic Bet

This post originally went up Thursday morning, but I took it down because it was more catharsis than substance. I attempted to rewrite it to be of use to others, but I found the only meaning at the heart of this constellation is my personal and very subjective state of mind. Take it for what it is worth, an internal monologue from a young man in slightly unusual circumstances.

My Cosmic Bet: “I am making a very dear bet with my life. Every practical piece of wisdom and knowledge tells me that I should be frenetically preparing my home for the changes that are coming to the world and our way of life in North America. I should be researching and installing solar panels and heaters. I should be planning a garden for the spring. I should be getting to know my neighbors and talking to them about their plans for the future, particularly if collapse is more swift and complete than I hope it may be.

I am not doing these things.

I sit and open myself to the Music. The plates of my skull creak and shift. My throat and breath pulse in rhythm. My lymph ducts follow, flowing from my jaw and ears down my arms and sides. Calculated shifts, no neurological pathology. I am changing, becoming something I can only glimpse.

I have the energy to take care of myself and very little more. Sometimes I sleep for twelve hours. Sometimes I don’t sleep at all, usually because I know something bad is waiting for me, or I am in a storm of sensations that will not let me rest.

As I sit I am confronted by my emotions. Past shames and angers. I am left to let my mind go quiet and to see them in crystal clarity, to let them go. I see what pain is still mine to work through, and I see what belongs to the imps and entities that come to taunt and torment me with pains long released. The filthy clerks of pain that bind us all in muck and mire.

I have seen good people, those I have loved and cared for among them, sell their lives bitterly in time, thought, feeling and energy for the smallest gains in the human condition. They have fought ignorance, greed, prejudice, pain, hunger and impoverishment of every kind. I owe them what is best in my life and in the human world, but I learned that I have no taste for selling my life. Not for so little. Not for one step closer to an ideal which will be snatched away with the fall of our empire. Not to preserve my own life here and now.

I have been asked several times how I, who they see as a gentle mystic, could make it in the harsh world outside the small retreat I have fashioned for myself. The truth is that I’m not really here to “make it.” I am here because there were and are things that need to be done. History has not been kind to mystics and I see no reason that it should be any different for me.

This is my cosmic bet. To trust the flow I have entered. This has been asked of me and I give it, though I am afraid that I am a selfish fool. May it be enough for what I am asked to do, and if not, then hear this. I looked into men’s eyes and saw their souls, I touched hearts and held time and worlds in my mind, I was a terror and a light to dark things and a comfort to those in pain. That is enough for me, if for no one else.”


3 Responses to “My Cosmic Bet”

  1. Rob (Makasala)Perkins Says:

    What a beautifully written piece. I have been having similar experiences. I am interested in your awakening process; as i have been having a very hard time staying grounded due to the influx of higher dimensional energy upon the planet. Are u having difficulty with the physical body? any other experiences?

  2. wildrote Says:

    Thank you, Rob

    “… i have been having a very hard time staying grounded due to the influx of higher dimensional energy upon the planet.”

    That’s a pretty common symptom for people going through awakening, or spiritual crisis/emergency, or initiation, or whatever the individual happens to call their process. I’m not the best person to ask about how to stay grounded because my process has been and still is so intense that I tend to need to just ride it out.

    “Are u having difficulty with the physical body? any other experiences?”

    I’ve already written on this blog about most of my experiences that would be helpful to others, or am in the process of writing about them. As for the physical side of things, yeah I have physical body problems. I don’t write about them because I don’t want my blog to turn into a chronicle of my minor health issues.

  3. Sandra Says:

    ♣ Wow, that’s quite interesting. ☮

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