Awake in the Dream

I woke up in a dream again. I was standing in my bedroom where my body was sleeping. It had been going on for sometime. People I know and don’t know would come and say and do emotionally hurtful things to me, but I realized that I was dreaming and they were just images. Knowing this I tried to take the images apart and make them disappear. Aside from very simulated looking alien guts, what remained were small fuzzy clouds of darkness that didn’t look like they belonged in the reality of the dream. I could just see two of them on the upper edge of my vision, but not in direct sight. I knew they were small entities that were trying to goad and hurt me and that if I made a sound that the music had taught me they would be driven away. I opened my mouth wide, as I would in waking life, and tried to make the sound. Nothing would come out. I tried again. Nothing. I tried a third time. Nothing.

I tried to wake myself up at this point. I was very lucid and aware of my actions and was surprised I had not already woken up. I slapped myself in the face. Repeatedly. I could feel the sting on my lips, but I didn’t return the physical world. I was trying desperately to get out and the dream was starting to run and deform in the process. I felt like my consensual reality was dissolving, which isn’t very strange because my dreams are almost always extremely protean, as if the physical reality I am presented with is a conceit that is barely being held in place, but this was somehow different, as if my mind was running and warping with my surroundings. Over the last several years when I go lucid in a dream it is very different than the usual playful experience that most people report. When I go lucid I realize that I am in a dream and reactively try to return to my energetic perception of reality. At that point the dream world usually dissolves into a two dimensional swirl of color at the bottom or side of my vision, almost like a screen I was being forced to stare at. When I try to leave the dream there has always been a force violently trying to push me back into it, to make me look at the screen. In the dream that I am describing to you now I couldn’t get out at all. I was trapped. This is why I think I started to feel that I was going mad. I needed to leave that reality, but I couldn’t.

Somehow I realized that if I found a real human being and asked them to wake me up it might happen. I ran out of my room and down the stairs of my dream house. I felt like I might lose my mind at any moment. I found someone I knew in real life sitting in my kitchen. It was the real representation of that person, not just an image. I started screaming at him to wake up over and over again. Reality skipped and I saw some one I’ve never met, then I woke up.

My heart wasn’t pounding and I didn’t feel like I had just been through an emotional ordeal. Aside from my memory and the intellectual knowledge of what I had just been through, it felt like I might just forget the dream as most are forgotten after waking. I immediately found the person I had asked to wake me up in the dream and told him what happened, both to help me remember and to help restore some harmony between my intellectual and my emotional/physical perception of reality. Edit: Later, after I wrote this post, I started to behave like someone coming out of a high stress situation, e.i., lack of coordination, nervousness, but still little to no emotional affect.

In hindsight, I am disturbed, but also pleased with my reactions after going lucid. I am disturbed because I remember being as lucid as I am now, but unable to wake myself, something that hasn’t happened in a long time, and because I couldn’t even begin to escape the dream reality. It warped and bent, but I couldn’t get out. I am pleased because I recognized the entities in my dream and attempted to do something that would probably have driven them off and remove me from the dream environment. That I wasn’t able to use the sounds that the music has given me in the dream is another reason I’m disturbed.

I have the impression that something is not happy that I chose to write this down. I could feel something poking at the back of my head and blanking my memories the moment I decided to do this and started writing. I wish I could write down everything that happened, all the ways that I tried to wake myself even before going fully lucid and… There is something. One of the entity images entered by stepping through the outer wall of my room. It was like I could see a hall that immediately closed behind it. There was something about the walls in hindsight, like they shimmered. I feel like something put me in a petree dish and dumped little entities in with me to watch what would happen.

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2 Responses to “Awake in the Dream”

  1. nagash Says:

    wish I could have lucid dreams, I’ve tried but with no success : \
    maybe I’m just bad at remembering them, as I rarely remember my dreams at all…

    so, as I don’t have the experience you can disregard what I say as just a crappy outside advice, but anyway, here it is – don’t be afraid : )

    I know it is very very difficult, but it’s also very very easy to do. just don’t be afraid, and maybe the playful experience that others report are just around the corner. I’m always happy to read the things you post here and I wish you all the best, mate ; )

  2. wildrote Says:

    Achieving a state in which I was not afraid would certainly be helpful to my situation.

    I will clarify one point. I have had the playful lucid experience. Not often, but it did happen for brief periods. What has taken that playful experience’s place over the last several years is what I described as “reactively try to return to my energetic perception of reality.” So the dream “dissolves into a two dimensional swirl of color at the bottom or side of my vision, almost like a screen I was being forced to stare at.” And “When I try to leave the dream there has always been a force violently trying to push me back into it, to make me look at the screen.”

    If I were to characterize this experience in a more simplistic way, I would do it like this:

    Negative forces that like to play with me in the bad way: Oh shit. Chris is really waking up and trying to leave his dream world and his body. Quick, push him back in or throw something nasty at him so he’ll get distracted.

    Chris: Nuts, I felt as if I was escaping the managed and contained reality of my own dream scape. I felt as though I were on the cusp of a greater non-physical reality, but this powerful force pushed me back into the dream scape. From the outside I could now perceive my dream scape to be a thin veil keeping me from the greater reality outside.

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