Hall of Mirrors II

Something that I had meant to convey in my last post was that I have done terrible things in other lives, only some which I remember. I know this because whether I remember them or not I’ve had to address the karma and timeline issues that these incarnations have created. I won’t be focusing on or shying away from that kind of life in this post, but I wanted to make the point that I haven’t always been the hero, tragic or otherwise. As for why my other selves did these things, each case is particular and unique, but generally speaking, when you walk into darkness to change it you take a big risk of getting damaged, caught up in it and manipulated, sometimes for a long time.

One of the first lives I ever remembered came to me as a dream when I was a child. In the dream I was an even younger child and I wandered a great grassland under a clear moonlit night sky. Time lost all meaning and dawn never came. After such a long time I found a sodded hatch in the ground. It opened and I saw the first warm light of that life. It came from a lamp’s flame down in the earthen chamber below the hatch. The people who lived there took me in. They looked human and I realized that even though they looked different than they do now they were my family of my present life. Seeing them also allowed me to realize that I was different. I had the head of a buffalo and a human body. I lived with them for some timeless time, and I was happy because I was not alone. Still, something weighed on me, some responsibility that I had not yet understood. One day my family became very afraid and huddled in their little earthen home. I climbed the ladder and lifted the hatch out into the eternal night. A different night greeted me. The moon and stars faded, no blue velvet curtain of night. Just blackness, and a single piercing red star. There was a beam of red light, then nothing. As a child in my present life I bore the same weight that I felt the buffalo child carrying. It was a terrible weight that said “you are responsible for the world.” The buffalo child was there to heal that world in some way, but the red star cut that short. Being only a child he thought that the red star was what he was supposed to prevent, but he had no way to do that. It took me a long time to release that crushing weight and to realize that it was not meant for this world or this life.

I remember a life of darkness. I was bound by a negative intelligence, a malign force, though I thought that I was the one who controlled it. I remember dragging the girl into the centre of the torch lit chamber by her bound hands, into the circle we had made. I tied her to the peg in the floor. My spiritual brother of that life began to speak the words, half from the old books and half made up and we smiled madly. The king sat, uneasy, but we knew we had made him see this was the only way. I pulled the knife from the cord at my waist.

I remember an endless, predatory life. I was ageless and indestructible. I hunted the small screaming, mewling creatures of my barren valley. In another life I would have know them as human. Their stones and fists broke on my skin like rain. Only my own kind could hurt me and there was only one other left. We hunted each other as well because my kind knew no other way. Eventually the memories grow dim, faded. I don’t remember what happened.

I just remembered a life long, long ago, when I was very different. We lived at the forest edge of a great plain, me and my kind. Insectile beings, like wasps, with wings and bright yellow skeletons. We hunted small creatures in the woodlands with our talons and mandibles, but we were equally tied to the plains. Once every four or five years the females of our nest would fly out and find one or two massive buffalo like animals. They would chase the animals and subdue them with a chemical their bodies produced. When the animals were unconscious the females would lay their eggs inside them, like parasitoid wasps. The females would stay with them until they awakened and recovered enough to be safe from other predators, then they would leave them. After several years the growing young would begin to make a chemical that we could all smell. The whole nest would fly out at this this time to find the animals carrying our young. When we found them many of us would descend upon each of them and kill them in the sacred way that our ancestors had given to us. When they were dead we would free our young from their bodies. The young emerge as small predators, but have no mind like their parents until many years later. It was part of the ritual that the young had to find there own way back to the forest where they would hunt and live until their minds came to them and they could live in the nest. On their way many would be killed and eaten by other predators. This is part of the understanding between the spirit of our people and the spirit of the animals that bear our children.


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2 Responses to “Hall of Mirrors II”

  1. saradode Says:

    You write about these things so vividly, and so beautifully! It’s as if I can see the pictures, or the “films” that I assume you’re seeing in your mind as you remember yourself. Really cool…


  2. wildrote Says:

    Thanks Nancy,

    That is how I see it and that is always how I am trying to write. It’s gratifying that you notice.

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