Hall of Mirrors

“So many people have known what they were fighting for was right, and history has judged so few of them to be correct. So I do not judge my actions to be right. As it is the nature of certain birds to sing in a particular way, it is my nature to struggle with the use of force, because I think it is to be struggled with, but it is also my nature to free the ensnared and to restrain those who would block their way.” – Chris, a comment on Initiation

One of the reasons I said that is because I remember being so many of those people. I’ve avoided talking about what I remember of past lives because it’s easy to turn that into something it’s not. It’s easy to think how many times someone remembers living means something about their life now. It tends to change the way a person looks at the world, but how you live your life is the only thing that should matter, one life or a hundred. I’m only going to write about it now because I feel like writing it.

My guides have told me that my soul has incarnated 145 times. That’s just an estimate. How do you count a life where you died as a small child compared to a life of thousands of years? I don’t remember many of those lives. I’ve incarnated with my present energy body 16 times. Not everyone carries an energy body though multiple incarnations, but many do. I remember more of the last 16 than the others, but not much. Most of the memories float freely of context. Most aren’t memories at all, just sensations, body images, day dreams. What it would feel like to have an exoskeleton, claws, bear children. The next layer up are the lives where only the most powerful events come through. I’ve died of suffocation more times recently than I like to remember. Then come the lives that I actually have a sense of identity from.

My present energy body was generated as a response to a terrible experience of enslavement 17 lives ago. My physical from was cut off from my soul, its mind enslaved and was compelled to hurt many people as a soldier and a thug. After that life my soul reabsorbed the energy body that had been so damaged and evolved a new one designed to defy separation and control. The only rendering of my name I have in English is Sleeping Decadence Warrior. My first life as this energy body was a foundation of the qualities it was designed to embody. I was a vast being, like a whale that swam through an ocean of energy, boundless, free and unencumbered. The next life I remember was my third. This was my energy body’s first life where it awakened to our true nature as an eternal being. We were a human woman. My mother was present as another woman my own age. The culture felt Indian, but only superficially. I have forgotten why, but I was angry at her and eventually realized that my negative thoughts and emotions actually brought her harm through their energy. I was horrified that I had done that unknowingly and this began my journey toward awakening in that life. I don’t remember any lives clearly in order up until my 13th. This life did not go well. I was on a different, very troubled planet. My mother and I were together again, this time working as awakened souls with a mission as we have many times. I had been given a very important task. Somehow I was responsible for concealing my entire species from an insectile race that wished to exterminate us. I don’t think there were many of us left. I was a spiritual warrior responsible for the fate of species, but I was also a two foot tall, floating grey ball of tentacles and I was very pregnant with my asexual offspring. I was also very frightened. The insectiles were much bigger, predatory and had better technology. Eventually they broke into the complex we were hiding in. I saw the people I cared about killed before everything goes dark. I just remember not being able to breath after that. They cut off the oxygen supply and I was trapped somehow. I failed.

After this energy body’s 13th life I was very damaged, but because I had accepted that mission and because of the state of consciousness I had achieved, I was taken somewhere remarkable to recover. I used to call it the 12th dimension, but that’s a different story. Eventually I was pulled out of that place by something that wanted to use me, but it had miscalculated and didn’t have enough hold over me to control me. Even so, having been violently pulled out of a world of light where my attachments and heavy energies had meant nothing, and thrown back into this world while only partially healed, I incarnated poorly. I was blinded by the negative and heavy energies I had absorbed from my pain and failures and because of this I took on an impossible task. I was some species of whale on Earth. I was trying to do something with them. Get them to do something that would prevent their deaths. I couldn’t get them to understand though. I died alone, drifting down into the darkness. Pressure, suffocation.

This brings us to the 15th life of this energy body. I was a white male human on modern day Earth. I lived somewhere in the Southeastern US and I was normal, or I tried to be. I’d had it. I couldn’t deal with cosmic crisis anymore. In a way this one of my favorite lives because I’ve so rarely had one like it before. He was out of work a lot as a young man. I remember walking around a lot, not really looking for work. He did Private Eye work when he was in his thirties, or he just thought about it an inordinate amount. He enjoyed the work, but he savored the noir detective feel of it more than he liked to admit, which is probably why I remember. He was married once. Had a son. Got divorced. I remember being to see his ex-wife and son’s family when he was older. Putting on weight and drinking a little too much. I still take a lot from that life. It grounds me in being a modern human and it actually helps my work thinking like a detective. You learn that no one is telling the whole story, whether they’re physical or not. This life helped me recover, but it also left me with some limitations. He consciously chose to ignore the call he felt from other worlds and used a limited material and human world view to keep the rest of existence out. When I wrote “I was shell shocked. I felt stretched beyond the limits of my ego. My soul carried all this lightly, but psychologically speaking I couldn’t take the rapid change in perspective” in my post Flux, it was a remnant of this personality that was strained.

This brings us up to life 16 of this energy body. Me.

There are so many other memories from so many lives. I’m never going to write them all down, but at some point I will post a few more that are really important to me.

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2 Responses to “Hall of Mirrors”

  1. makingsenseofthestrange Says:

    Fascinating…thanks for sharing your memories. Gotta say, it takes courage to come out in a public venue and say that you believe you once were a two foot floating grey ball with tentacles who was asexually pregnant! I’m not doubting your experience at all. I’m just kind of laughing about how hard some of this info can be for us to process when we live in this world. I have to keep a sense of humor about it or I will be overwhelmed! I wonder how many people sense their past lives in a strong way and never talk about it based on our current culture?

  2. wildrote Says:

    You’re welcome and thank you very much.

    I don’t actually believe I was that being you mentioned. I just remember being that and the memory fits into a relatively consistent experiential and conceptual framework. That is, this is not an article of faith for me. These experiences could quite easily be shown to not represent a reality as I now understand it, but this has not yet occurred.

    I’d had a lot those moments where I need to laugh about it or I’ll not be able to deal with what is happening. Not so much anymore though.

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