Different Kinds of Change

In the space of 24 hours I have been exposed to both of these stories. Their similarities are striking, as well as their differences. Please do not simplify. I do not advocate or admonish, but reading these words so close together has had an impact upon me and I feel the need to transmit that in some form.

These are the words of Mark Flaherty. He dealt with suicidal pain and emptiness through ayahuasca and a spiritual tranformation: http://www.realitysandwich.com/underneath_it_all

These are the words of Bill Zeller. He could not deal with the horrible pain that he had been subjected to and recently committed suicide: http://gizmodo.com/5726667/the-agonizing-last-words-of-bill-zeller

A Shock to Me

I try to transcend shock where ever I encounter it in myself. I try to maintain my awareness through consternation and incomprehension. I become transparent, perfectly aware of the potential reaction within me without becoming it.

I see shock, consternation, reaction as closing and recorded loops of behavior. Going in circles. All together humans go in circles and it maintains the big circle, the mandala of human society. To be born, educated, work, find a mate, grow old and die, all while accumulating the values of your society, both material and metaphysical.

It has, in one form or another, been the work of my life to expand my patterns of behavior and reaction, my circles, until I can no longer perceive their curve. Instead of my perception reflecting back on myself within a moment, or an hour, or a day, my perspective becomes indefinitely large. I am not unconsciously reacting to the stimuli presented to the human being Christopher Taylor. My life in this physical form, this circle of human life, is just an small arch in a much greater circle.

The Healing of Shame

I once wrote that shame is the most destructive emotion. I said that because I have had to fight the shame of other beings, each of them feeling that they need to suffer endlessly, hurting others in the process. They need to suffer and to throw themselves to those who will help them suffer. They do this because the alternative is unbearable. To transcend your first unthinking emotional reaction, you genuinely need to process the event that created it. In the case of shame, that process is agony, and for most beings it is literally impossible without help.

It takes a tremendous focus of energy to maintain an open awareness through any intense emotional reaction. It so much easier to just ride along with it and follow the script behind your eyes. The moment you open your awareness and stop reacting, you have to feel everything anew with perfect clarity. All you want to do is close right back up. This process is hard enough when the shame is small, a mistake of daily life, but when the shame is large, the death of a loved one or a terrible act committed by or against that person, it becomes insurmountable for the individual. The shame can almost be thought of as a separate entity that tries to protect itself. It prevents the healing of the original event. It whispers into its host’s ear “I need to suffer. I need to be punished. If what happened is healed then I won’t be punished.” No healing of the original event may occur while this continues and until the original event is healed it will continue to hurt everyone it touches and everyone that they touch, not solely the one who seeks punish himself.

Leaving the Box

When I was growing up I put myself in a box called Be-A-Great-Scientist-and-Writer-and-Smarter-Than-Everyone-Else-So-You-Can-Change-the-World. I was very good at being in the box, but I was also very sick. I hurt a lot and I didn’t know why. I had always hurt a lot, but I didn’t know why even more than when I was small and asked my mother to make it stop. I’d gotten so used to the box that I couldn’t see it anymore.

My guides were very worried about me. They had tried everything they could to get me out of the box, but I had gotten so used to the pain and so far away from myself that they couldn’t talk to me anymore. They came to me one day and tried one more time. “Christopher. This isn’t your path. If you don’t stop you are going to die. We love you, but you need to stop. We aren’t allowed to stop you, but we can stop holding back the badies who want to hurt you. You are going to get sicker and it will hurt, but you need to wake up. This needs to be real for you and we have nothing left to give.”

Be a Lens and Light Will Come

Chris: You don’t give me much to hang onto, you know.

Guides: Because what you do must come from a place so deep within you that it can never be taken away.

Imagine: You open your eyes to one who is trapped in suffering. You move to help them. It comes as easily as the beating of your heart and the sigh of your breath. Your hands touch their chains and they begin to dissolve like wet tissue. Perfect awareness without thought, each action flowing, spontaneous. Their wounds are next. Lesions are washed and healed with light. Pathogens are drawn out and taken into custody. Curses are ended. Karma is healed. Their minds and memories restored to them. Their emotional trauma washed and allowed to heal. Their capacity for joy and the connection to the source of their being returned. Open a window to a place of safety and freedom beyond the reach of those who would harm them, and allow them, their family and friends to go there.

Flow through this until it is part of you. Each time it is different you will be different. Listen. Be a lens and light will come.

Anything you remember will be taken from you. You only get to keep what you become.

“Everything is going to be alright.”

I really like talking with the Music. The first thing it always says is “everything is going to be alright.”