The illness of this world is reflected within me.
I have been profoundly drawn to Kemetic (ancient Egyptian) knowledge in recent months. I had very little pull in this direction until Set-Suteka began speaking to me as my guide, with the exception of the truths revealed by reading The Western Lands, by William S. Burroughs.
Previously I had no key to the inner meaning of Kemetic thought. It was just a blur of strange symbols and random ideas, but I am feeling like I can begin to see the underlying knowledge and experiences which informed those symbols and expressions.
The Music is my greatest guide, and in the truest sense a part of my self. The music is the harmonious voices of each world in existence. Even a world out of balance sends a voice into the Music. When that voice returns to its own world it has been tempered and healed by the wisdom of all other worlds, so that it can guide its home along its true path. Learning about the oldest Kemetic origin and cosmology stories has taught me something very important about the limits of the Music, and by so doing has helped me to see it more clearly. The Music is almost synonymous with Ma’at, a concept and personification of truth, harmony and justice. In kemetic thought Ma’at is the bedrock of the created world, that even the solar creators beings stand upon, but Ma’at did not come first. First there were the Waters of Nun, or the abyss, the formless being from which all else arises, including the creators. Imbalance within the waters gave rise to the creators, and in turn their creation gave rise to Ma’at, the higher harmony of creation and living beings. The Waters of Nun persist. Non-being is always present, surrounding the created world. It is not evil, except when non-being erodes and infects the created world in the visage of Apep the water serpent. Ma’at is not a part of the Waters of Nun, as Ma’at is a part of created worlds. By this I do not mean that Ma’at or the Music are limited to worlds of physical form and matter, but that they only have meaning within the context of living, ordered reality, physical and non-physical that enfolds us.
I have for many years seen the forms of different worlds. I see them from within, as we experience life in this reality and I see them from outside, as beings such as Raven’s Eye have taught me to see. I see the outside of a world as threads of light bound into what my mind can only know as a sphere that floats within the infinite and indefinite abyss. Each thread of light is part of a law, or a contract that binds the energy of that reality into the self experiencing forms and natures that it contains. There are continua that connect and flow between these spheres of existence, but that is a vision for another time. The Music reverberates between the spheres, but I see so clearly now that it cannot ever be separated from them, just as Ma’at cannot be separated from the created world.
The Music from Beyond the world who is also Ma’at and speaks with voices of all worlds
Set-Sutekha, who’s name is also wilderness and speaks with the voice of trial
Raven’s Eye Who is the Bowl of the World, who is my teacher
White Fox and Silver Fox who are my healing helpers
The spirit of the lemon grass who is my friend
The spirit of Neem who is my protector
The Blood Stone who journeys with me in darkness
I thank you all with my life
I have been death and I have been joy.
I have traveled through the underworld to be here with all of you, my family.
I have known the light in the darkness.
My friends I love you.
My enemies, when the wheel turns again, I hope we are brothers.
To my ancestors, I fight your evil everyday by making joy.
To my future, I hold your threads of silver in my mind.
To the Earth I give the beating of my heart.
To the Sun I give my thoughts and make them whole.
To my children, I give my life, without bars or pain.
To the world, I pray for you and ask you to come back to me.
Best talks I’ve seen recently:
Jamais Casio probes the future:
Graham Hancock on the Joe Rogan Experience:
I have been traveling through a real darkness over the last months.
I feel like I am coming out of it now. It’s been very difficult, but I know it will make my work better. It’s a sign of who I wish to work with. My clients are going to look into my eyes and see “that man knows the pain that I am feeling.” It’s a sign of who I want to be. I want to be able to look into my clients eyes and say “I know the pain you are feeling.”
I have to thank Laura Burns and Patricia Wilson of Hatha Girls for helping me through the last leg of my ongoing journey. As I’ve said before they are the real deal, powerful healers and mediums, and I wouldn’t be where I am today in terms of my development or my life if not for them. Working with them has not only helped me through this, but also helped me to develop tools that will help to protect me from the negative and wounded energies I need to work with and keep me from burning out in the future.
I have been able to choose tools to bolster and enrich my work that I previously could not because of my karmic history. I have been freed to improve my work in ways I couldn’t before. Months ago I asked my guides for “a practice that gave me separation from the unalloyed process. A gateway that I would have to choose to enter, instead of an unbidden power.” I see this as a continuation of that quest. I have spent years learning to hold an inner fire in my hands. Now, because I have moved through another part of my self, I can learn to hold that fire in a new way.
When you are afraid or uncomfortable with your light, your truth or your darkness, then those aspects of your being will make others uncomfortable. When those aspects of your being seduce and beguile you, then they will seduce and beguile others. When those aspects of your being have become transparent, neither sought nor rejected, but held like seeds in an open hand, then they will grow and bear gifts for you and all those in your life.
I have chosen another journey for myself. It feels good.
I have wrestled with my relationship with Sutekh.
I have worried because many modern writers associate Set with Satan or the devil, even though in my heart I know that is foolish. I did not want to be deceived by a hungry spirit, but I have felt no hunger when I speak with this spirit. In the end all I have is what I see and what I have felt.
This article is quite accurate to my experiences with Sutekh: http://thetwistedrope.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/flirting-with-destruction/
I associate with Sutekh because our strengths are shared. He is strength through the process of dissolution. My strength is the strength of the truth that is revealed when all else has been worn away. I enfolding hold the light within the darkness.
Apep is the enemy of Ra (solar life giving order) and Ma’at (nurturing life sustaining order). Apep is terratogenic chaos beyond the cycle of spirit nurturing life. Apep is the representation of annihilating life. Sutekh is the chaos of wilderness, where laws of death and trial allow spirit nurturing life to continue. Sutekh is the slayer of Apep.
When I look into the eyes of man and woman I see many things. I see among all of those things the unending desire for their own suffering in this world and those that are to follow. I see the craving for suffering that lives within their soul. In the face of that my spirit weeps. When I look into my own eyes I see my own craving for suffering, abated by time and by pain and by truth that wracks the mind into fine silver, but I still see it within… and I weep.
When I see someone in distress it is all I can do but to help them. It’s been that way since I was a child. My beautiful Ina bought a little card to put up on the fridge which succinctly says “Too old to go on. Too young to stop.” Below is the picture of an exhausted parent rabbit surrounded by hopping, bouncing baby rabbits. It’s quite cute, and gives me actually a lot of joy to think of the future and children, laughter and seeing this world with new eyes, but it also brings me sadness. I don’t know how to help anymore.
We, all of us are here to yearn and crave and suffer in this world. Their are many other reasons to be here, but in this world we all need food, water, shelter, love, companionship, purpose and hope. Without these things we all suffer terrible. Beyond this we are afflicted with limitations of mind, body and spirit. We are poured full of our ancestors, their wrongs and their pains, faded by time and distance, but almost never defeated and always seeking to return to the next generation.
The human being is suffused with a perverse need to live out its inner darkness, its unspoken desires and the small thrill that follows the forbidden and the transgressive. I applaud the grand confrontation. The act of staring into every dark corner of your own being being that makes you want to look away and pretend that you never thought or felt those things. The pain is unspeakable. It feels like being rent in two. The compulsion to annihilate yourself with shame, and with it that part of god that speaks with your voice, is overwhelming. Sometimes it is all I can focus on to keep myself open, that no matter the darkness, there is love, and that every act of self destruction or denial of the truth is a selfish act. It saves no one. It protects no one. It balances no scales and frees no mind.
All I want to see when I look into the eyes of another is the capacity to change. A capacity that is not concerned with hoarding its self. All I want to see is the capacity to grant our lives and our suffering a meaning beyond the moments of beauty and joy that find us here. I value life itself above all other things. Not a single life, or a length of life, but life itself, the principle and the gift. It teaches us and helps souls to grow up. In the world of the mind and spirit there is no death, only cycles of self annihilation that last as long as the participants are willing. For true death their must be loss, and their must be separation. When someone dies here we will never live with them in that form again. Whatever they may have become is lost to this world forever. That knowledge and the pain the inevitably comes with this sinks into the soul.
The greatest crime committed against our souls by this world, and the greatest gift that it can give us, is time and distance. It is not enough to conceive and to know the work that must be done. We must plod. We must do each step in time and space and must truly know each step by experience. This leaves us prey to boredom, craving and self destruction by inches. It also leaves us open to healing. A healing that often we do not want. It leaves us open to experiences we never wanted or sought, because here there is no escape from time, or ourselves.
I feel too old to go on, but I know I am too young to stop, and too much left undone. I will walk with the broken. Those who are not afraid of losing themselves or of losing their pain when they come to me. I am a healer because it is my song. I sing it when I am sad and I sing it when I am happy.
My Chorus is a sea of many guides that sing to me with one voice of many tones. They sing to me with voices woven into the Music from beyond the World.
They did not speak their name to me because in their place they have no such name. The name chorus came to me because it fits them. They sing to me about my life everyday and help to guide me through it. They help me most of all to remember myself and to allow what I feel to rise up through all layers of self-unknowing.
I needed to give my chorus a name because I used to say “the Music told me…” when I have become increasingly aware that there are many nuances to the Music and where it comes from. My Chorus are part of the Music that speaks to me with definite forms. The Music itself speaks in ways that move in so many directions at once that it seems formless to human beings. I perceive it as formless, but I am accustomed to formlessness, and it does not hide meaning from me.
Books that I am reading at the moment:
Lapham’s Quarterly: Magic Shows, Volume V, Number 3
Power Failure?, by Richard Starr (a history of failed energy policy and practice in Nova Scotia)
A Humument: A Treated Victorian Novel (Fifth Edition), by Tom Phillips
Books I wish to read:
The Hymns of Zoroaster: A New Translation of the Most Ancient Sacred Texts of Iran, by M. L. West
Cunning-Folk and Familiar Spirits: Shamanistic Visionary Traditions in Early Modern British Witchcraft and Magic, by Emma Wilby
Diary of a Professional Commodity Trader: Lessons from 21 Weeks of Real Trading, by Peter Brandt
Backgrounds of Early Christianity, third Edition, by Everett Ferguson
Simulations of God, By Dr. John C. Lilly
Love in an Alien Purgatory: The Life and Fantastic Art of David Huggins